


black and blue (and in love with you).

by junfhongs



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Delirium!AU, M/M, side!Kim Joonmyun | Suho/Wu Yi Fan | Kris
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-08
Updated: 2014-03-08
Packaged: 2018-07-18 02:42:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 31,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7296274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junfhongs/pseuds/junfhongs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Delirium!AU. in a world where fear rules over all, will there ever be any space for love?</p>
            </blockquote>





	black and blue (and in love with you).

The world is drowned in fear.

It is drowned in fear and indifference and the emptiness of the lack of love.

Love was declared a disease a century ago, and the government found the cure that they needed to fully realize their goals and eradicate the world of the disease that is _Amor Deliria Nervosa._ Anyone who is uncured is thought of to be a shaky variable, someone that could prove to be a liability to society in a matter of seconds.

But not all people want the safety from this “disease,” as the government called it. Others wanted the love inside them to destroy and rot their bodies from the inside out, like what the government said it would do. Others wanted the _deliria,_ and they were out casted from society, kept locked up in prisons and detained in loneliness for the rest of their lives where they would starve and claw their way out just because of the love that they fought for.

Then there were the rumored Invalids, the ones that ran away completely from the safe and sheltered Cities. They lived in the Wilds, making the most out of their measly lives without any steady supply of food or a permanent shelter. The government told their people that these Invalids didn’t exist at all, but some people knew the truth that they were all out there, free to reign in their own land and love who they want to love.

The world is drowned in fear.

Wars are not started because of love. They are stopped before they can even start because of fear.

 

 

 

Sehun is shaking. It’s only natural; everyone gets a little nervous before their Evaluation. The shaking is much worse on others though, and Sehun is a little comforted by the fact that he didn’t go into this evaluation day on his own.

Baekhyun looks calm and ready beside him. But he knows his good friend and neighbor since he was born; he’s nervous too. Sehun smiles at him and Baekhyun chuckles. It’s a silent “we’ll be okay.” They’ll be fine.

“Byun Baekhyun,” the woman waiting outside the door says. The boy being called stands up abruptly, poised and serious. It’s the façade they have to put up: poised and perfect and ready to be paired with a good person.

Now Sehun feels the fear echoing inside his hollow mind, waiting for him to crack. He’s afraid of letting too much of himself talk, of showing that he might possibly have the _deliria_ inside him. It’s not that he does; it’s just that the evaluators see a possibility as the disease itself. He must learn to control himself, to seem like a perfect citizen who will be everything that society wants him to be.

Another door opens. “Oh Sehun.”

Sehun puts on his mask of indifference, something his father taught him well. Hit after hit, with every single strike of the belt against his pale skin, his father taught him how to be indifferent and silent and to feel nothing but empty. He will do well in this evaluation.

Sehun strips off his clothes and stands underneath the glaring light, the only light in the entire room. In front of him, he thinks he can see the faces of his evaluators across the glass, but Sehun knows that he’s probably a clear picture to them. He knows that they can see everything about him: the abuse, the loneliness, the silence. But it’s okay. They have to know.

Sehun’s favorite color is blue because his room’s walls are painted blue. Sehun likes to dance because he’s been taking ballet and jazz ever since he was seven. Sehun’s favorite subject is math because he excels at it in school.

These are questions that have been drilled into his mind. Sehun knows the Oh Sehun that they want to see. Sehun is going to give him the Oh Sehun that they want.

When Sehun is fully dressed and ready to go home, he sees Baekhyun waiting for him outside the building. He’s relieved to see the familiar smile on Baekhyun’s face. Sometimes all he needs is familiarity to bring him back down to earth.

“The evaluation is sickening, isn’t it?” Baekhyun mutters. Sehun sighs; he doesn’t really want to relive the awkwardness he felt while he was being observed like an animal with a glass between them, as if he was a danger to them all, like he was being separated from them because they were afraid of catching something he didn’t even have.

“I hate it. I wish we didn’t have to do it.” Baekhyun looks nervous, even more nervous than how he seemed before the evaluation. Sehun stops him in his place, holding his wrist lightly. The touch is strange, and even if they’ve been best friends for years, physical contact has always been weird for everyone.

“Baekhyun,” says Sehun. His voice is gentle, cautious even. Baekhyun’s expression is blank, but Sehun knows him a little better than most people. Something isn’t right.

“What?” The mischievous smile on Baekhyun’s face is back. Sehun’s eyes briefly flit over to a dark corner on the street. He thinks he sees a shadow there, a glimpse of a volunteer patrol or a regulator prowling in the darkness. He shivers, letting go of Baekhyun’s hand instantly.

Baekhyun knows what that shiver means. He’s well aware of the feeling that someone’s always watching him, and he’s had enough of that at home.

They walk side by side, silently heading home.

They’re right about their suspicion. There really is someone watching them, someone lurking in the shadows waiting for someone to mess up and reveal even just a sliver of the _deliria._ Everyone’s used to it; fear has always had a permanent grip on everyone’s necks.

 

 

 

The ticking of the clock drives him crazy. The evening news is turned on at exactly five thirty PM; they start placing the plates on the table ten minutes after; his father arrives at home from work when the clock strikes six. This has been Sehun’s life ever since he was a little kid.

It’s Tuesday, so Sehun has to wash the dishes alone. His mother adjusts the clothes he’s grown out of, and his father reads the paper even if he’s heard the evening news and tuned into the radio at work. After doing the dishes, he has to do his homework and go to sleep.

Sehun briefly thinks of going out for a run or riding his bike along the river like how he always does when he’s bored. The ticking of the clock reminds him of curfew, which is in two hours. He decides that it’s enough time to go out and bike around the neighborhood.

“Where are you going?” his father asks. Sehun’s hands still on the doorknob. He turns to face his father, and he’s relieved to see that there’s no anger in his eyes. He’s just reading the newspaper, probably busy on the finance section since he works at an accounting company.

“I’m just bringing my bike out. I’ll be back before curfew.” His father nods absently and Sehun walks out as fast as he can.

Sehun times his watch to an hour and a half and he pushes forward, riding as quickly as he can to the river nearby. He usually has Baekhyun to ride with him, but nowadays the older male is a little busy with school and his parents pushing him to do better even if he’s already doing everything right.

Sehun has a connection with the wind. He enjoys how it hits him while he’s running or riding his bike. He thinks of how it reminds him of flying, of those little dreams he had back then. Sehun was a little kid before, and now he’s a growing man. It’s scary to think of all the time that passed since then.

 _Back then was so long ago,_ he thinks to himself. Now he’s at the area beside the river, cement and tiles slowing down his run. He marvels at the clean water, the smell that clears his mind.

He’s surprised when there’s figure in front of him. Sehun steers the bike out of the way and accidentally collides against a lamp post. He falls off his seat, knee skidding against the pavement.

Sehun winces in pain, pulling his scratched knee against his chest. The stranger rushes to his side and pushes away the bike pinning his foot down.

“Are you okay?” the stranger asks. He seems like he’s near Sehun’s age, and Sehun blushes when he realizes how close they are. He can feel the warmth of the stranger’s skin seeping into his.

“I’m fine,” mutters Sehun. He holds onto the lamp post to stand up, grimacing at the feeling of dust and grime on his fingers. He rubs it on his pants, suddenly remembering that his mom’s going to be mad when she sees the dirt all over his clothes.

“I’ll take you to a clinic. That seems like a nasty scratch,” the stranger offers. Sehun is hesitating, afraid of being with another man this late at night. Then he tilts his head to the side and Sehun sees the three-pronged scar, the sign of the procedure. He immediately sighs in relief; the boy is cured.

“We should hurry. It’s going to be curfew for you soon.” He pulls Sehun up and drags the bike on his other side. Sehun tries to calm down, trying his very best to ignore the hand holding his elbow. No one ever touches him. Only his parents or Baekhyun can.

But it’s different with someone who’s cured. The touch is impersonal and distant, made simply because of necessity. A part of Sehun hates this, but he’s also comforted by it.

They arrive at the clinic eventually. The walls are clean and white, just like the hospital in Incheon. Everything smells like disinfectant and Sehun remembers the time he went to the hospital because of a broken hand that was caused by him “falling off the stairs,” as his father had explained to the doctors. Actually, he was a little too worked up that night and Sehun accidentally dropped a glass while trying to return it in the cupboards.

 _The cure isn’t perfect,_ Sehun concludes. Everything worked for his father, but his anger and temper wasn’t reduced. In fact, it made him easier to be agitated since the most vivid emotion in his mind is anger. He doesn’t even realize what he’s doing until Sehun starts crying and he has to stop, hold back the belt and walk away from the sight of Sehun curled up into a ball on the floor.

The nurse carefully places cotton on the bleeding area and tapes it up. “You’ll be fine.”

“Thank you,” Sehun says blankly. The stranger is waiting for him at the receptionist’s desk, paying for something. “Thank you,” he says again. The man nods, taking his change from the woman behind the desk.

“Please make sure that the cotton stays on his knee until the bleeding stops, Zitao,” the nurse advises. Sehun nods at the sound of his name. _Zitao,_ he repeats in his mind.

Zitao walks out of the clinic and Sehun follows silently, happy to see his bike safely leaning on the wall. “I’m sorry for what happened. I should have stayed out of your way,” mutters Zitao. “I’m Huang Zitao, by the way.”

“Oh Sehun. Nice meeting you,” he greets. Zitao takes his hand and shakes it.

“Not under these circumstances, though.” His chuckle is refreshing to Sehun’s ears.

The watch on his wrist captures Sehun’s attention. He checks his watch quickly and sees that it’s curfew in twenty minutes. Hastily, he gets on his bike and looks back at Zitao quickly.

“I’m sorry, it’s curfew in a few minutes. I have to go.” Zitao nods at him and Sehun walks his bike out from under the clinic’s roof, cycling quickly when he’s on the road.

He arrives right before curfew is officially set, and his mother’s waiting for him in the living room. She sighs, rolling her eyes at the sight of Sehun’s wrinkled clothes and scraped knee.

“You’re lucky that your father went to sleep early,” she says quietly. Sehun briefly sees a new bruise blossoming on her forearm, presumably from his father gripping her again. She doesn’t give him a chance to ask, retreating back to her room.

Sehun makes sure to lock the front door before he hides in his own room. The dark blue of the walls welcome him, and he falls asleep as soon as his head meets the pillow.

 

 

 

On the next day, there’s mail at their doorstep. Sehun’s mother is afraid that it’s another set of bills, but the small smile on her face tells Sehun otherwise.

“It’s your pair,” she announces. The tension is palpable in the air; even the wheezing of the kettle on the stove seems more peaceful than the silence in the air. She takes slow steps towards the dining table, floorboards creaking beneath her feet, papers in her hand rustling as she tries to open the envelope.

Wordlessly, she hands the opened envelope to her husband. He’s indifferent as always, and Sehun wishes that he’d see even just a sliver of emotion, a little hint of excitement in his face. He’s dreading the result instead of anticipating it with joy like how others would.

“Krystal Jung. Not bad,” comments his father. Sehun recognizes Krystal from the all-girls school across the all-boys school that he studies in. She’s kind of quiet and intimidating and serious. She’s a perfect pair for Sehun.

He sees the house across the street from the window. It only takes him sixteen long strides to reach Baekhyun’s house, knock on his door and wait for someone to respond. Right now, he wants to walk over and ask him about his pair, asking him if he’s okay with all of this.

Recently, Baekhyun seemed suspicious: more worked up and excitable and _alive._ It’s probably what Baekhyun is supposed to be, but it’s not the serious guy he’s been trying to perfect for years.

Sehun thinks of Krystal Jung, of her long hair and generally pretty face. He thinks of that brief smile she gave him when she was walking around and he was right there, just staring at her. Maybe being with her for the rest of his life won’t be the worst thing in the world.

Then he thinks of the sea underneath his fingertips, how the waves crashed against him over and over and over again that day. He feels like he’s back in the sea again, and life is trying to drown him with all of these new things happening to him. It’s terrifying, but this is how life has been placed in front of him. His parents went through it; his grandparents went through it; his great grandparents went through it. He’s going to have to accept that it is what it is.

 

 

 

They throw their caps into the air and scream in excitement as the thought of graduation finally sinks in. Sehun is in the middle of the crowd, and he briefly sees the scrawny, quiet kid during first year that slowly blossomed into the intelligent valedictorian that he is now. Sehun sees those girls who used to be the devil’s spawn suddenly turn into crying messes now that they realize how far apart their lives are going to be. Sehun sees the few people who were already cured, those who are nearly emotionless while everyone around them is celebrating.

He doesn’t want to be like that.

Baekhyun grasps his hand, grin looking devious on his face. “We made it!” yells Baekhyun.

“Yes we did.” He squeezes Baekhyun’s pretty fingers and grins back. They really did make it.

On the car ride home, Sehun is stuck with his completely emotionless parents. They probably thought it was a waste of time, just another meaningless celebration. When they go home, they’re just going to turn on the evening news at five thirty PM. They’re going to set the plates down ten minutes later and his dad will come home at six o’clock sharp. Nothing really changes for them.

When they arrive, Sehun sees Baekhyun just going inside his house. He waves at him but his neighbor barely even notices. He nods his acknowledgment and goes inside. But Sehun noticed the shaking of his fingers, the way he’s alternating between a smile and his straight face.

As he expected, it’s the usual evening routine. _It’s okay,_ Sehun tells himself. He shouldn’t really expect anything from them.

He goes into his room and stares at the books on his shelf. They’re all textbooks and maybe a few approved books by the _Deliria_ Free Society, the branch of the government that is focused on eradicating the world of the _deliria._

Sehun runs his hands over the dusty spines, remembering the years of slaving over these books and trying his best not to be a disappointment to their name. He remembers his biology class during second year; he dissected a frog and several classmates of his passed out in the lab. He remembers all his math classes; he’s always been good at math. His dad thinks he’ll get an accounting job like he did, but Sehun hopes that he’ll be something different from his father.

He stacks them all up and places them in a corner where he doesn’t have to see them. His mom told him of a bookstore where he can sell these and get rid of them forever. Sehun notices that there are only a few things left: a children’s storybook, a picture frame of his family in front of the sea and his copy of _The Book of Shh._

Curiously, he holds the book up and observes it. He hasn’t opened this book in a long time, but they’ve practically been living its morals for all their lives so he doesn’t see why he really has to read it.

A change in the shadows on the ceiling surprises him. Sehun looks out the window and sees Baekhyun creeping out of his house, staying near the shadows. Sehun knows this is bad, knows that his best friend’s going to get in big trouble if he’s caught.

That doesn’t stop Sehun from sneaking out of his own house and following him. They creep through most of the neighborhood, entering the main part of the city and then ducking into a tunnel and out towards the area near the outskirts of the city. Sehun’s scared. There’s an abandoned neighborhood nearby, and he doesn’t want anything to do with that place. Still, he’s too scared to run up towards Baekhyun and stop him at his tracks. He’s not going to suppress his own curiosity either.

Baekhyun finally slows down when he’s in the neighborhood of empty houses. The streetlights are all old and slightly dim; only the clear white of the moon provides steady lighting on the ground. Sehun watches as his hand lingers in front of a doorknob.

“Baekhyun!” hisses Sehun. The older male doesn’t seem to notice. _“Baekhyun!”_

He finally turns to face him. Baekhyun’s eyes widen, suddenly seeming flustered and scared. “What are you doing here?”

“Making sure you don’t get into trouble,” Sehun pauses, “alone.”

Baekhyun grins. “Glad to see you’re on my side at least.”

He quietly opens the door and peeks inside. Sehun does the same, but he’s not pleased by the sight that he sees.

Regulators. There are regulators everywhere. They have teens chained or tied up, some of them look bloody and beaten up. The clubs in the regulators’ hands have drying blood on them, and Sehun knows who those came from.

They slip away as quietly as possible, trying their best not to get caught. Sehun backs away from the door, looking around to see if anyone saw them.

Just his luck, a regulator steps out from another house and catches his gaze. “Hey!” the burly man yells, causing Baekhyun and Sehun to run immediately.

They don’t know where they’re going, where their feet are taking them, but all they know is _run, run, run._ They find themselves in a forest behind the houses, and Sehun doesn’t realize that he’s alone until he doesn’t hear Baekhyun’s panting beside him. He hears a gun being fired and Sehun feels the bullet graze his leg. Sehun grunts in pain, holding back the scream that threatens to rip out from his throat.

He’s abruptly pulled into a dark area, and he’s afraid that he’s been caught or shot or this is it. This is the end for him. Sehun starts hyperventilating, tears brimming in his eyes.

“Shh,” he hears someone say. “Calm down; you’ll be safe here.”

Sehun hears a small click and there’s light in the dark space that he’s in. It’s a small shed, dusty and smelly and horrible, but not as bad as being in the Crypts or being on an operating table while doctors insert the cure into your bloodstream. Nothing’s ever going to be as bad as that.

He finally notices the person in front of him, and he’s surprised to see that it’s Huang Zitao, the man who took him to the clinic about a week or two ago. Zitao brings out a handkerchief and ties it around his calf on the area that the bullet scraped.

Sehun watches him move his fingers quickly, wondering why this stranger is helping him. “What are you doing? Why are you helping me?” He checks Zitao’s neck and the mark of the procedure is clear and visible on his skin. What’s happening?

When he notices that he can see the scar as clear as day, that’s when he realizes that they’re practically breathing each other’s air. Sehun has his leg on Zitao’s lap and they’re both leaning forward. All they need is a slight movement and then--

Zitao kisses him.

It’s quick, barely even a second, but he knows that it really happened. Sehun’s breathing gets heavier, even if it’s just a small kiss. He’s scared, terrified to be honest, of Zitao. He’s scared of his warm eyes and his warm touch and the way that he licks his lips as if he’s savoring the slight taste of Sehun on his lips.

“You’re an Unnatural,” Sehun whispers. The scowl on Zitao’s face wasn’t what he wanted to see.

“All of you are the same,” he grumbles, dropping Sehun’s leg to the floor. The sudden movement has Sehun gritting his teeth in pain, reminding him of the bleeding still occurring in his leg. “‘Unnaturals,’ ‘Invalids’; you all treat them like they’re not people. Like they’re animals or specimen waiting to be named and classified.”

Zitao stays silent for a second. “The coast is clear. You should go.”

“But I don’t understand. Why--”

“ _Go._ Now.”

Sehun doesn’t hesitate when he walks out of the shed and into the forest again. He’s sure that he can navigate his way out of there; with a little instinct and a lot of prayer, he’s going to make it out.

He looks back at the shed for a fragment of a second. It’s weird: what happened in there. It’s as if his world has turned, even just a little.

When he finally makes it back home, limping and hiding in the shadows as much as possible, he thinks of Baekhyun. He looks out his window and tries to see if Baekhyun’s shadow is moving around behind his curtain. He’s desperately hoping that his best friend made it, that he’s going to be okay.

He’s hoping that everything’s going to be okay.

 

 

 

Sehun’s heart skips a beat when he decides to take those sixteen steps to Baekhyun’s front door. He knocks on the door and it’s opened instantly. It’s Baekhyun.

“You’re okay,” he whispers. Baekhyun’s eyes get a little teary.

“ _You’re_ okay. I’m glad. I’m so glad.”

There are circles underneath his eyes, and it’s as if his hands are permanently shaking. Sehun knows he’s not ever going to be as outspoken as Baekhyun, never going to be as strong as him. But seeing his best friend like this, shaking and nervous and terrified of everything, it makes him want to protect Baekhyun for the rest of his life.

“We’re going to be fine right? Everything’s going to be perfectly fine?” Baekhyun’s voice is wavering, and Sehun reaches forward to squeeze his hand. Again, physical contact is still weird for him. He still doesn’t like it, even if they’ve touched a thousand times.

_Even if a stranger touched me and kissed me just last night._

“We’re going to be fine. Nothing’s going to change.”

Sehun knows he’s lying. Change is the only thing that’s ever constant, he knows.

 

 

 

Sehun puts down his apron and says goodbye to the owner of the convenience store that he’s working in. He knows he’ll have to say goodbye to this small job as well, as soon as he goes into college and he’ll have to focus on school and things like that again. He knows he’ll miss the steady hum of the freezers, the bell that rings every time the door opens. He knows he’ll miss the free time as well, the times that Baekhyun would randomly drop by and they’d play video games or listen to the radio while waiting for customers.

The riverside strip is nearby, so he decides to go there and watch the river again. It’s still four PM and he’s sure that his mother won’t be looking for him so everything’s fine.

What isn’t fine is when he sees Zitao staring at the river. Sehun makes a move to turn around and run, but Zitao suddenly decides to turn around and face him. His mouth forms a perfect circle, but he doesn’t run away. Instead he walks towards Sehun, completely ignoring how Sehun stiffens and looks away from him.

“Walk with me.” Sehun doesn’t expect the warmth in Zitao’s voice. He’s soft and he speaks quietly, but he can hear the demand in his voice. Sehun looks up, around, anywhere but at Zitao. “Come on.”

Sehun follows, even if he knows that this isn’t a good idea. Then again, why would it be a bad idea? Zitao isn’t going to do anything to him anyway.

They don’t actually talk for the most part. Zitao seems content while strolling down the strip and Sehun just outright refuses to talk. He doesn’t trust Zitao, not even-- _especially_ because of that kiss that they shared, if it was even serious enough to be called a kiss.

“I want to meet you later tonight,” Sehun already steps away from him, “in the house across the one where they were supposed to have a party. I want to talk to you properly.”

The younger male breathes slowly. “I don’t trust you.”

“I know you don’t. I want to change that.”

“I-I...” Sehun doesn’t know what to say. Zitao is... _dangerous._ Zitao is not who he seems to be.

And yet Sehun wants to know more. Sehun wants to know Zitao, the way he wants to be known. Sehun wants to know _why?_ Why did he help Sehun? Why did he kiss him? Sehun wants to know everything about Zitao: from the roughness of his hands to the taste of his lips.

It’s almost as if he’s walking around on thin ice, holding his breath and hoping that he doesn’t fall through the ground. He wants to get to the other side, where Zitao’s waiting for him, but the circumstances and the changes that he’s going through are making him feel the fear. Sehun wants so many things.

Sehun goes home with the thought of Zitao lingering in his mind. He has so many questions, always has so many questions, and he’s hoping that Zitao’s the answer to all of that.

It’s five thirty. They turn on the news.

It’s five forty. They set the plates down.

It’s six o’clock. His father’s home.

It’s eight o’clock. He’s rereading _The Book of Shh,_ just to remind him of his moral duties as a citizen.

It’s nine o’clock. He’s done brushing his teeth and he’s already wearing his sleep clothes.

It’s nine thirty. He’s tossing and turning on his bed, thinking of Zitao, alone in that house, waiting for him.

It’s nine forty-five. His hands are twitching on top of his coat, thinking of grabbing it and running.

It’s nine forty-six. He’s snuck out of the house.

He runs through the neighborhood, sticking to the shadows and keeping his head low. Sehun knows the path to that neighborhood fairly well by now since he’s been thinking of it since the night of graduation. He knows his way around the streets, sticking to dark alleys where he knows he won’t be caught. Or at least where he hopes he wouldn’t.

He knows that volunteer patrollers are out prowling at this time of the night. It’s not the first time he’s heard of horror stories of uncureds running around and being caught and beaten up by these patrollers. The thought that he could be one of those teens is unnerving.

He makes it there safely though. Sehun doesn’t know what he should do; shouted he knock or barge right in? He turns around to see the house that he was nearly caught in a few days ago. Sehun shudders, trying not to go back to that night as much as possible.

He finally decides to walk in. He doesn’t want to risk being heard by anyone, even if he doesn’t know if there’s anyone nearby. Sehun enters the house quietly, carefully making sure that there are no regulators around and this isn’t a trap.

Zitao’s on the couch in the large area that must have been a living room once. There’s a mat on the floor, a paper that must have held a loaf of bread before since there are crumbs on the mat, an old flashlight that sits right underneath Zitao’s hand.

“You came,” whispers Zitao. He stands up instantly, raising himself to Sehun’s height.

“I have a lot of things to ask,” Sehun starts.

“I know. I know that. I know it must have taken a lot from you to have you here right now.” Zitao sighs. “I know you don’t trust me.”

“I don’t. I really don’t trust you.”

Zitao takes his hand, again ignoring how he stiffens and tries to tug his arm back. He guides Sehun’s fingers to the side of his neck where his procedural scar is. Sehun gasps; it’s the first time he’s ever really touched a scar since physical contact is... weird.

And that’s when he feels Zitao’s breath fanning on his face, his rough palm against his wrist, his sturdy chest. He feels a multitude of things, things he should never even have to think about.

“The scar isn’t real. I’m not cured.”

“What do you mean you’re not cured? Then what is this?” He presses his fingertips more firmly against the mark. Zitao holds his wrist tighter.

“I’m an... Invalid, as you say. I came from the Wilds.” Sehun shakes his hand away instantly.

“N-no. This can’t be. I shouldn’t be near you, I--”

He’s interrupted by Zitao roughly pulling him in and kissing him. Sehun moans, even in his surprise. His hands find their way to the back of Zitao’s neck, tightening and releasing every now and then. Zitao kisses him like he’s on a mission, like he would lose himself if he ever lets go of Sehun.

He pushes Sehun down to the couch, climbing on top of him. Zitao can feel the beating of their hearts; it’s all going way too fast but they just can’t stop. Zitao licks at the seam of his lips and Sehun gives him access instantly, not even making a sound.

A loud moan is drawn out from him when Zitao accidentally brushes their hips against each other. They stop, and Zitao pulls away to look at Sehun fully. He looks wrecked and flustered and _completely_ turned on, leaving Zitao with a question on his lips.

 _“Yes,”_ whispers Sehun.

That’s all Zitao needs before he fixes his position and aligns their crotches. Even through Zitao’s jeans and Sehun’s sweatpants, they can feel each other. Zitao’s barely even moving but Sehun’s eyes are already rolling to the back of his head, eyes fluttering shut. The warmth and the kissing and the strong body pinning him down is enough to make him lose all inhibitions, rutting up against Zitao as roughly as he can. Zitao returns the favor and kisses Sehun again, swallowing every moan with his lips and rolling his body perfectly with Sehun’s.

It’s really all too much, and Sehun comes within a few minutes. His hands grip Zitao’s shoulders painfully, waiting until the older male spasms on top of him as well. They stay in silence, with their hitching breaths and desperate panting.

Sehun pushes him away roughly, trying to pick up the pieces of his broken mind. Zitao’s lying on the sofa, like the position Sehun first found him in.

“Sehun, please don’t--”

The younger male doesn’t wait for him to finish before he runs away. He’s not ready for this, for anything that involves an Unnatural, an _Invalid_ even. He doesn’t want to involve himself with the walking heap of trouble that is Huang Zitao.

He runs. He feels the wind hitting his face while he carelessly zips through the streets. He feels every nerve of his body at the moment, and he feels them tingling at the thought of Zitao. Every part of him is on fire, and what he needs the most right now is the shock of reality like a cold bucket of water. He needs reality, and he needs it now.

The sound of the volunteer patrollers’ sirens is enough to bring him back to reality, most definitely. Sehun knows that sound more than the average teen does; he’s pulled Baekhyun out of enough risky situations to know the sirens’ every single tune like the back of his hand. Sehun hates it but he remembers how much he shouldn’t be with Zitao ever again.

Sehun creeps within the shadows, breathing shallowly and sticking to the walls. He doesn’t usually sneak out, but right now the thrill and adrenaline is the only thing keeping him alert and safe from death.

He recognizes some of them, familiar neighbors or just people in his local community. Sehun’s more afraid than ever; what if someone recognizes him? It would be an ultimate disgrace to his family and also to his own safety.

Luckily, they ride off to another street, getting farther and farther away. He sighs in relief and continues on his path through the twisting streets back home. Sehun safely makes it into the house and crashes on the bed when he finally closes the door to his room.

Belatedly, he remembers to get a new pair of underwear and clean clothes. The feeling of Zitao against him is still strong, and all he wants is to get rid of it for now. Just for now.

 

 

 

The ticking of the clock is driving him insane. Besides that, there’s also the whirring of the electric fan, the steady hum of the refrigerators, the cool metal of the cash register searing a mark onto his arm. Sehun doesn’t expect any customers; it’s the middle of the afternoon and he’s sure that everyone’s already eaten something.

He’s definitely surprised when the bell rings and it’s Zitao who opens the door. Right now, he’d very much like to run away, but he can’t, not with how Zitao stares at him blankly. It’s as if the past night never even happened, like he’s back to being an emotionless, regular citizen again.

Nothing can cover up the spark that travels between them when Zitao hands Sehun the bottle of water and their fingers brush against each other’s slightly. Nothing will ever hide the fact that Sehun still hasn’t gotten Zitao off his mind.

“Zitao, I’m sorry if I ran away. I guess I ran because I was afraid--” Zitao just walks away from him.

“But not because I didn’t like it!”

Zitao stops in his tracks at that. He turns around; the grin is back on his face. “Meet back there?”

Sehun thinks of it, of what’s really going to happen to him if he continues meeting up with Zitao like this. Will he really end up changing his mind about Zitao or will the tan skinned boy always be the terrifying stranger to him?

Baekhyun stops by later that afternoon. Usually they’d know what to talk about, but now there’s just an empty silence, filled with the whirring of the fan and small talk that will never really be enough for two people that are as close as they are. Sehun knows what’s happening to himself, but he doesn’t know if there’s anything going on with Baekhyun anymore.

“Are you okay?” he asks. Tentatively, warily, he reaches out for Baekhyun. The older male isn’t flinching away from him, but he tenses up. Sehun pulls his hand away; it must not be a good day.

“Yeah, I just remembered that my procedure is in a month.” Sehun’s breathing hitches. He hasn’t thought about his procedure in a while. It does explain why Baekhyun’s eyes are blank and empty, why he isn’t blabbering on about everything like how he always does. The cure changes you, even before you receive it.

But Sehun knows that it’s good for him. He knows that the cure will save him from love, make him immune from its dangers. The only thing he has to do is wait for his time to come and hope that everything goes well with him.

He’s heard stories of the procedure not working properly. He’s heard stories of people still being infected with the _deliria_ even after receiving the cure. They walk the halls of the Crypts, slowly being destroyed by the love inside them.

Sehun smiles when he sees that his shift is over. He bids goodbye to the shop owner and walks out with Baekhyun behind him. The smaller male catches up to him and places his hand on Sehun’s shoulder. He turns around.

“Is anything wrong?” Sehun asks. Baekhyun opens his mouth, as if he’s trying to say something. But then they see a shadow moving in the corner, and neither of them wants to continue any conversation about the cure. Even questioning it can be considered an act of sympathy or a sign that you’re against it.

“Nothing. I just wanted to know if you’ve already received the news about your pair.” His words come to him slowly, a telltale sign that he’s lying. Sehun nods.

“I already know mine. Do you remember Krystal Jung, from the school across ours?”

“Hmm,” Baekhyun mutters, “long brown hair? Pretty face but occasionally bitchy attitude?” Sehun laughs.

“Bingo. That’s her.” They let go of the mask of indifference, just for a little while. Even with the knowledge that there’s probably someone watching them, they let themselves have fun for once.

 

 

 

Sehun knows that what he’s doing is wrong, so _so_ wrong. He’s grown up as a good kid, despite everything that he’s gone through, and he’s survived because he has common sense. Common sense tells him that going out after curfew and heading to a condemned neighborhood so that he’ll see an uncured Invalid is not a smart thing to do.

His heart tells him to keep going.

Since when has he followed his heart anyway? Since when has the fast beating of it, the way he feels breathless and lightheaded when he’s with someone, ever mattered to him? Since when have they taught him that following his heart is perfectly fine?

Never. And he’ll never get rid of the guilt and fear that plagues his mind while he runs through the streets and up the small hill where the empty streets and lonely houses are. Sehun only keeps walking because he’s already there.

The door is left slightly open. Sehun doesn’t know if he should be scared or if it means Zitao’s welcoming him inside.

He peeks inside, taking slow steps and trying to see if he can escape quickly should he ever see any regulators inside. Sehun sees Zitao eating on the mat, reading a book. The older male senses someone else’s presence and grins at Sehun.

“Hey,” he greets. Sehun flashes a shaky smile and sits down on the couch, away from Zitao. He seems unfazed, but Sehun can see a little hurt in his eyes.

“We never get to properly talk,” Sehun starts. “I want to understand what’s going on. I really do, but you--”

He’s interrupted by Zitao kissing him again. Sehun wants to push him away, but his hands only tighten into balls against Zitao’s shirt. This is why he can’t get anything out of Zitao: they never get any talking done because of how eager he is to touch.

“You get more confused when you talk,” Zitao whispers into his mouth. “You think and think and think, and you don’t understand that you’re just wasting your time by thinking. You feel like everything you’re doing is wrong, and it takes away all the enjoyment you feel when you’re doing it.”

“But what we’re doing is wrong. Sneaking out, going to an empty neighborhood, kissing each other; it’s all wrong,” argues Sehun.

He pulls away from Sehun, watching him breathe heavily. “If it’s so wrong, then why can’t you stop yourself from continuing?”

A warm hand is on Sehun’s chest. “Tell me why you can’t stop. Tell me why you pulled me closer instead of pushing me away. You want to talk? Then talk. Tell me why all of this is so wrong.”

Sehun licks his lips. “They always say it is.”

“Who?”

“People. People everywhere. I’ve grown up to disdain everything you stand for, Zitao. And yet I’m becoming everything that I shouldn’t be. They warned me about this, that the _deliria_ can change you in a heartbeat.”

Zitao sits down beside him, pulling him closer and letting Sehun bury his head in the crook of his neck. He smells like the earth and a little bit of soap. He smells like uncertainty, danger, excitement. He smells like bright springs and warm summers and _life._ Zitao smells like he knows everything about life.

“You’re scared.”

“I am.”

“And that’s good. Fear is a real emotion, Sehun. And so is happiness. The cure... it takes it away from you. It takes everything away from you. You think you’re living, but you’re not. You think that everything is better when you feel less, when you live in your own bubble of play pretend.

“Some people are afraid of love, and that’s why most people just follow their elders and get the procedure done. But I’m afraid of never being able to love. I’m afraid that one day, I won’t enjoy running or standing on the shore and feeling the waves tickle my ankles. I’m afraid that I won’t know what it feels like to exist like a full person.

“The cure is sometimes good because it takes away the pain. But love is not pain, Sehun. Don’t ever think that the only thing it will ever cause in your life is grief and sadness.”

The only thing Sehun can feel is the warmth of Zitao’s hand on his waist. The only thing he can hear is his voice whispering words that Sehun always thought were wrong. The only thing he wants to feel is Zitao breathing beside him, breathing _with_ him.

“Do you still want to talk?” Zitao asks after a long period of silence.

“Yes,” answers Sehun. But first he pulls Zitao down for a kiss, one that lingers and makes him shiver all around his body. Zitao doesn’t push him. He lets Sehun take control for once, and the only thing he does is smile against Sehun’s lips.

 “I want you to teach me how to feel.”

 

 

 

Sehun spends most of his days just working at the store and going home. Sometimes he goes out for a jog or to ride his bike, but he finds less enjoyment in that than how much he usually does. He finds himself thinking of Zitao more often, and the smile on his face is almost permanently there. He tries to cover it up because he’s scared. He’s scared that he’s contacted the _deliria_ from Zitao, that this isn’t just his usual curiosity leading him to a little trouble.

He sees the signs: increased heart rate, tendency to be more impulsive, tendency to lie. Sehun isn’t exactly the best liar; he just hopes that he sounds convincing enough to deceive others. He usually got into trouble when he was late for class and he couldn’t think of a decent excuse.

But now lying is like breathing for him. It’s effortless, and he finds himself making excuse after excuse to go out of the house and run away to Zitao. He doesn’t know if his parents suspect anything, but he doesn’t really care.

He just wants to spend time with Zitao, and then he goes back to being scared of his own feelings.

Zitao stops by him while he’s at work and asks if he could run away to the house at the hill for the rest of the day. Usually Sehun is more comfortable sneaking out at night, but he’s feeling reckless and he wants to push the limits.

“Alright, I’ll go.” The way Zitao smiles at him, with his eyes crinkling and all his teeth showing, makes everything feel like it’s worth it.

Sehun tells the owner that his mother made him run an errand and he completely forgot. The middle-aged man buys it and lets him off work early. The sun is still high up in the air and Sehun doesn’t want to be seen walking directly to the hill, so he takes a longer path that involves more back alleys than what should be recommended. He knows that he looks suspicious no matter what, but he chooses to ignore the people staring at him whenever he passes by them.

Sehun finally reaches the old house. He’s sweaty and tired and he kind of looks like he ran a marathon when it was just a mile or three. He doesn’t knock or take any precaution at all; he goes inside and closes the door behind him.

Zitao is nowhere to be found, so Sehun decides to go to the kitchen to see if Zitao has any food in his fridge. _He must have moved his stockroom somewhere else,_ Sehun thinks to himself. His eyes wander over to the sink. Carefully, he turns the knob and is surprised to see water running.

Arms wrap around his waist from behind, pulling him against a strong body. “Why are you looking at my sink as if it’s magical?” Sehun chuckles.

“I wasn’t aware that there was still water running in this area of the city. I would have thought that they cut off all power and resources here.”

“I found a way to fix it. Well, the rest of the Resistance and I did.”

Sehun perks up. “The Resistance?” Zitao turns him around.

“Did you think I was the only Invalid here? That this city of yours is completely safe?” Zitao laughs when Sehun starts frowning. He kisses him, happy when Sehun doesn’t hesitate anymore when kissing back.

They’re pulled apart by the sound of a floorboard creaking. It came from the direction of the hallway.

“Zitao,” whispers Sehun. The fear is back, and its grip on Sehun’s neck is getting tighter and tighter. The taller male pulls out a rolling pin from the drawer in the counter. It’s not much, but it’ll have to do for now.

Before they even get to move, the figure emerges from the shadow. It’s Baekhyun.

Sehun’s eyes widen. He lets go of Zitao’s other hand and walks towards his best friend. “Baekhyun?”

“Sehun,” he mutters. “I can’t believe you.”

Baekhyun walks away from him, but Sehun has longer strides and he easily catches up. He grabs Baekhyun’s wrist and stops him in his tracks. “Baekhyun, please don’t tell anyone. Please.”

“Can we talk? There are so many things I need to know, Sehun.”

They go to another area in the house: the dining room at the other side of the hall. “Start from the top. I want to know how you met him, why you kept on doing this, _everything._ ”

“I was biking at the river one night and I fell. He took me to an infirmary and that was it. And then in that party you went to, the one where we almost got killed by a regulator, he saved me by hiding with me in a shed. Even until now, I don’t know why he was there. But in that night, we kissed and I ran away from him. We met again at work and he told me to go here and well, we kissed again. And that’s it. That’s basically our story.”

“Really? Is that really it?”

Sehun sighs, rolling his eyes. “Fine. He’s uncured. He’s an Invalid. He doesn’t really belong here, but he is here.”

Baekhyun gasps. “An Invalid? Are you serious?”

“I am, Baekhyun. I spend most of my days thinking about Zitao and being with Zitao and--”

“Do you... _love_ him?”

It sounds like the word is hard to say for him. It sounds like he’s afraid of it, like a regulator would randomly materialize out of thin air and kill them all.

It looks like he’s afraid of Sehun and Zitao and everything that they’re doing, but it also looks like he’s envious of them too.

“I am, I guess.” It takes a lot from Sehun to admit that.

“I want you to say it. Say the word,” Baekhyun demands.

_“I love him.”_

There must have been an earthquake because Sehun could swear that his world starts shaking after saying that. Baekhyun must have felt it too, and now he’s staring at Sehun blankly.

“You said it.”

“You told me to. And I told the truth.”

Everything about Sehun changed. He isn’t the same guy that he was a week ago. He isn’t the same person who’s just expected to obey and follow how his life was laid out for him.

The only thing that hasn’t changed is his fear. He’s still afraid of so many things, but now he’s not afraid to love. _Love isn’t a disease,_ Zitao told him before. And now he believes it.

“I’m happy for you,” Baekhyun says. It’s not half-hearted, but he’s not completely happy for him. Sehun knows that. He knows that in the back of Baekhyun’s mind, there will always be a “Why didn’t you tell me?” or “I never thought you would do this.” It’s justifiable. Sehun understands.

“I was always the one with the big mouth, always the one who had the big ideas. But you’ve always been braver than me. You’ve always been the one who would defend me once my words got me into trouble. Thank you for always being brave.”

“Thank you for always getting us into trouble,” Sehun jokes. Both of them laugh, laugh for a long time, until they’re doubled over the dusty dining table, until they start coughing because of the lack of air and the dust on the said table.

“Are you two alright?” Zitao asks. He has a whimsical smile on his face, one that’s secretly asking, _“are you two going crazy or do I have no reason to be alarmed?”_

“We’re fine,” speaks Baekhyun. “It’s nice meeting you, Zitao.”

“Nice meeting you too.” He looks genuinely pleased that Baekhyun isn’t thinking of calling the DFS on them. “Let’s go to the living room. I’m sure you have a lot to say, based on what Sehun’s told me about you.”

Baekhyun shoots Sehun a glare. “What have you been saying about me?”

“That you can fill an ocean if your words were drops of water,” Zitao mumbles. At seeing Baekhyun’s fingers itching to choke Sehun, he hastily adds, “But mostly good things!”

They take their seats on the couch and Baekhyun notices the casual way that Sehun has an arm around Zitao’s shoulder. He notices how they’re always touching somehow. He notices how Zitao looks at Sehun like he’s absolutely precious and he can’t ever imagine being without him. It’s kind of disgusting and weird and totally not what Baekhyun imagined it to be. He had this idea of love, and now that he’s seeing it, love isn’t what he expected it to be.

Society fed them with the horror stories of the _deliria._ But now what Baekhyun sees is happiness, for yourself and for someone else.

Zitao starts talking about his life in the Wilds. “It’s freer. You don’t feel the walls surrounding you or the eyes watching your every move. It’s not all fun and games, but it’s not a savage wasteland. Sure, we struggle to get what we need, but not all people are like animals out there. You have to learn how to see what’s good in that place to truly appreciate the freedom that you have.”

“How did you end up here when you came from there?” Sehun questions. He’s thought about it for a while now, but he’s never been able to get a straight answer from Zitao.

He can see that it’s not a light topic for him by how Zitao stiffens and looks away. “You don’t really have to answer. We’ll respect that.”

“No, I can answer.” He composes himself. “I was lost. My group left without me and I was scared, so I chose a direction and went straight through there. I found this old community that thrived on a row of houses that survived the Blitz. They were welcoming folk, and they took care of me really well. After a while, I realized that I didn’t like being rooted to the ground.

“They asked me if I wanted to live in a City. I don’t know why, but I said yes. And now I’m here.”

Zitao chuckles, but it’s not mirth that Sehun hears in his voice. Bitterness. A long drawn out period of loneliness. Loss.

“It’s kind of anticlimactic, isn’t it? It wasn’t the grand tale that you expected?” The two men on the couch quickly deny and Zitao can only laugh at them. “It’s okay. I wasn’t what I expected to be either.”

Zitao looks like he’s a lot more than what he seems to be though. Now Sehun can see all the little signs that show he’s an Invalid. The weariness, the spark in his eyes, the warmth that he can feel from Zitao: they’re all signs that he’s a full human and not the dulled-down version that the cure makes you.

 

 

 

Maybe he’s starting to go a little too crazy, but now Sehun’s starting to dream. For a few years, his dreams have been unrecognizable blurs, but now he’s starting to see again. Now he sees vivid colors and tiny details and every little thing that he’s never even thought of before.

Now he sees Zitao. He sees Zitao and he sees himself. He sees them right outside the walls that cage him into the City, running away from everything and everyone. They’re running so fast that they can’t even see anything they’re going through.

When they reach the edge of the thick forest, there’s a large space in front of them. It’s vast and completely different from the cultured world inside the Cities. It’s the Wilds.

That’s when Sehun wakes up. He dreams of getting to the edge and that’s it. He never delves into that open space, soaking up all the sun and running without any fear of prying eyes chasing him around. He only goes so far before his imagination isn’t enough and he has to be shaken back to reality so that he won’t lose himself too much into the dream.

Sehun doesn’t tell Zitao about the dreams. He doesn’t tell Zitao about the itch that lies underneath his skin, the strong desire to go out there and do whatever he wants to do with Zitao. Not even Baekhyun knows about anything, and Sehun’s been more open to him ever since he found out about everything.

“You know, I’ve always thought of taking you out to the house that I stayed in when I was in the Wilds.”

The statement shocks Sehun at first. _Does he know?_ Sehun asks himself, and he’s strongly hoping that the excitement on his face isn’t too obvious.

It never is. Sehun isn’t very good at emotions, but Zitao can read right through him.

“You’ve been thinking about it, haven’t you?” Zitao kisses him chastely on the lips. “At least I’m not the only one.”

Zitao turns to face Sehun. They’re sprawled on the couch and it’s kind of a tight fit, but Sehun pulls Zitao up on his chest and lets the older male lean fully on him. Sehun likes how they automatically melt into each other. It’s one of those feelings he’ll never get rid of.

“My house is just a small shed at the back of this bigger building. It has a bed and a stove, and it even has this huge window at one end. And the best part is when you go out at night and lie down on the grass. There are so many stars, Sehun. You won’t believe how many things these Cities are taking away from you. The smoke up here is so bad that you can’t even clearly see that dark sky being littered with stars. It’s the most beautiful thing you’ll see out there.”

The excitement is palpable in Zitao’s voice. Sehun knows how his voice goes higher and becomes a little scratchier and he really loves seeing Zitao like that.

Sehun starts thinking. “So why don’t we go out there?”

He doesn’t expect Zitao to tense up and pull away. “W-well, it’s not exactly easy to leave the City--”

“I’m aware of that, but I know that you’re smart enough to have found a way. Why don’t we go?” Sehun pushes the issue further. He knows that Zitao isn’t comfortable about something, but he’s done with holding his breath around people. Right now, he wants to go to the place that Zitao truly calls home and he won’t let fear be the one to hold him back from that.

“I don’t think I can take you there. I don’t want to get you into trouble,” Zitao lies.

“Oh really? Isn’t _this_ getting me into trouble? Meeting with me in a condemned neighborhood? Being in a relationship with me? Isn’t everything we’re doing dangerous?”

“Yes it is, but getting caught near that wall is too much. I’m risking your life and mine right now, I know that, but this is nothing compared to the danger that passing through the border wall possesses.”

Zitao pulls Sehun into a kiss. It’s obvious that the younger boy isn’t happy, and he doesn’t even respond to any movement by Zitao. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I want to make you happy by taking you to my home, but I’m scared that I might be the reason why you lose your life.”

“You already are the reason why I could lose my life.” Sehun sighs. “ _I love you._ And I think that’s even more dangerous than anything else we could ever do.”

 

 

 

“Where have you been?” Sehun is surprised to see that his father is at home earlier than six PM sharp. It must have been a special day; Sehun didn’t notice.

That’s a sign of the _deliria._ “The loss of presence of time” was something that Sehun never took seriously, but now he’s seeing how it affects him.

The anger in his father’s eyes terrifies him. “I-I was jogging. I didn’t know that you would be home early.”

“I heard you haven’t been going to work recently. Is there a problem? Do you want me to find you another job or something?”

The concern is fake. The anger slowly simmering underneath his skin, the embarrassment he had to deal with when the shop owner reported to him that his son wasn’t showing up at work: Sehun can see it all in his eyes. He’s not going to play the calm game with Sehun today.

After so many years, Sehun’s learned to take it as calmly as he can. His father has these outbursts, ridiculous outbursts of anger, and all he can do is wait for it to be over. He can hear his mother closing the door of the bathroom behind her, and sometimes he imagines her crying and trying to block out the sound of leather against skin. He wants to imagine them being concerned over him, even in their own little way, but it’s impossible.

He limps back into his room after a painful shower. The angry welts on his back make it hard for him to lie down or put on a shirt or even _move,_ but he has to withstand this. Even for just a little while, he has to try his best not to complain or even show a single sign of emotion. The only way Sehun will ever make it through this is if he doesn’t say a word.

 

 

 

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

Zitao’s palm is warm against Sehun’s, and it’s enough to encourage Sehun to keep going. He nods meekly, sighing when Zitao leans forward to kiss him again. Of course he’s scared; breaking past the border wall and going out to the Wilds isn’t something they encouraged you to do in _The Book of Shh._

“I trust you, Zitao. Let’s do this.” It takes another squeeze of their hands before Zitao leads him to a small shed near the border wall. Unbeknownst to everyone, it actually leads directly to a hole in the ground that tunnels underground and past the wall, small enough for them to go through.

Sehun thought it would be harder to get through, to be honest. He didn’t expect it to be so easy, and now he’s wondering about how many Invalids are actually inside the walls of their City.

The Wilds is a whole different world. It’s almost as if Sehun’s been living in a bubble and now he’s found a way out of it all. Zitao’s hand is still warm against his, still keeping him down on the ground while they wander through a seemingly endless forest.

Sehun notices a line of stones and logs leading towards a certain direction. “Where does this trail lead?”

Zitao grins. “To where I used to live.”

The forest starts to show more light, more of the moonlight seeping through the forest cover. Slowly, they reach the end and Sehun’s automatic reaction is to gasp.

It looks exactly like what he saw in his dream. It’s an open space, empty and boundless. When he looks up, the stars are clearer than anything he’s ever seen in the picture books of his childhood. Everything is beautiful and different from what he’s been living in since he was born.

A small tug on his arm reminds him that he and Zitao have a place to go, and he starts walking. They reach a broken road with skeletons of houses on either side of it, but Sehun can see the lights inside the broken windows. He looks farther and sees that the entire road is softly lit up by these candles from inside the houses.

Zitao doesn’t lead him into a building but towards the area near the forest. They keep walking despite the darkness, and eventually they reach a small cabin. Zitao walks ahead of him and presents the house. “Welcome to my real home.”

He rushes forward and lights a few candles. Sehun takes a while to observe everything and take in all of the little trinkets and details that seem so distinctly... _Zitao._ This is not the average citizen’s humble abode; this is the house of someone who feels the world turning around him, someone who can understand life better than anyone else. It’s everything that Sehun wants to be.

“This place is beautiful,” Sehun whispers. It’s as if talking any louder than that will ruin the moment, the peace and quiet that he has with Zitao. Strong arms wrap around his waist from behind, and Sehun’s reflexes tell him to lean back.

He ends up pulling Zitao towards the bed, sitting down on the edge and having Zitao lean over him. Sehun pulls him down for a long kiss, one that leaves them panting by the time they realize that they need air more than each other’s breath.

 _“I want you,”_ mumbles Sehun. It’s not the first time he’s ever said that, but now he feels it more than ever. He feels it with every fiber of his being, with every single shake of his bones. When he _breathes,_ he feels it.

“I know.” Zitao kneels with his thighs around Sehun’s, straddling his lap. “I know exactly what that feels like.”

Zitao has a hand on the back of his neck, holding his face close but not close enough to kiss him. He can feel Sehun struggling against his grip, wanting more than just their breaths fanning across each other’s face. He settles with his hands on Zitao’s hips, closing his eyes when Zitao tightens his grip on Sehun’s neck.

“I need you, Zitao.” Zitao leaves a gentle kiss against his cheekbone. “Don’t tease me.”

“Oh really? You’re saying you don’t want this?” Zitao shifts forward and groans at the feeling of their crotches rubbing against each other. It’s so familiar to the first time they’ve ever touched, and now that he knows Sehun wants this so badly, he doesn’t want to hold back one bit.

Zitao pulls away and moans at the sight of Sehun’s flushed cheeks, his breathing picking up with every little movement that they make. “You’re so _desperate._ It’s beautiful.”

Sehun slides down to cup Zitao’s ass, pushing their bodies a little closer. The friction is delicious, but it’s not enough. It’s never going to be enough if Zitao keeps teasing like this.

“I’ll keep going if you say _please._ ” Sehun glares at him harshly, but it’s wiped away from his face instantly when Zitao presses down against him roughly.

“Please.” Sehun sobs when Zitao runs his fingers through Sehun’s hair. “Please, please, _please._ ”

“What are you asking for, Sehun?” He tilts the younger male’s head up, forcing him to look directly into his eyes. “Tell me, or I won’t give you anything at all.”

“You. I want you. In me. On me. Anywhere. J-just,” Sehun hisses when Zitao tugs on his hair to pull his head back and expose his neck, _“touch me.”_

Zitao sucks hard at his collarbone, in a spot that won’t easily be seen. His other hand slides down to the hem of Sehun’s shirt, sliding underneath and leaving lingering touches to his heated skin. Sehun pulls Zitao’s head up from his chest and presses their mouths together; messy and uncoordinated but hot enough to distract them from the growing problem in their pants.

Zitao lets Sehun slide up to the pillows at the end of the bed. Sehun leans back, enjoying the sight of Zitao peeling off his shirt. Zitao starts undressing him as well, taking off his shirt. He presses a kiss to every inch of pale skin that he can see, even as Sehun squirms underneath him. He sucks another mark on his hipbone, sighing at the thought of purple against Sehun’s perfect skin.

“You’re beautiful like this,” Zitao sighs into the crook of his neck. Between them, his hands are working on Sehun’s jeans, unbuttoning and pulling them down as quickly as he can.

“I’m going to make you feel everything.”

 

 

 

Sehun limps back into his bedroom, but this time it’s not because of pain. Or it’s not because of a _bad_ kind of pain. He grabs his clothes and hides inside the bathroom. When he takes off his shirt, he’s surprised by the littering of marks all over his chest. He can only laugh; Zitao definitely didn’t leave any space for his pale skin to breathe.

He changes his clothes and smiles through the dull ache of his body. Right now, all he really needs is some rest and a lot of time to think about what had just happened to him. It’s a memory that is still bright in his mind, burning in his veins. Sehun doesn’t think he’ll ever get rid of it.

Sehun lies down on his bed and sleeps. That night, he dreams of warm lips and lingering touches and spikes of pain and pleasure and every single moment with Zitao that he could grasp in his mind.

 

 

 

His mother brings out the expensive china and silverware. Sehun knows what that means.

Tonight, he’s meeting the woman he was paired with.

His parents are dressed up nicely and so is Sehun. Krystal and her parents knock on the door a few minutes later than what was agreed upon, but his mother puts on a nice smile and Sehun tries his best not to roll his eyes at her.

While their parents discuss the news and the recent weather and everything they could think of under the topic of small talk, Krystal and Sehun barely even look at each other. Sehun is tempted to take a bite and excuse himself for the rest of the night, but he wouldn’t want his father to see other marks on his body that weren’t caused by the slap of his belt against Sehun’s skin.

He plasters on a straight face and tries to talk to Krystal somehow. But she is blank. Even more blank than Sehun is, and he discovers the procedural scar on the side of her neck. _She’s cured,_ he thinks to himself. It explains a lot.

Later on in the night, there’s another knock on the door. It’s Krystal’s older sister, Jessica. Krystal seems to show some sort of happiness to see here there, and Jessica is a lot more expressive than her. She approaches Sehun when they’re alone in the dining room.

“My sister likes very few things. She’s very quiet, but she can cook and clean and she’s good with technology. She’ll be a good wife; that I’m sure of.”

Sehun nods plainly, but deep inside he’s thinking of waking up everyday to her face. He’s thinking of how his life will be if he decides to stay with someone as bland and empty as Krystal, and now he wants to run away.

His mind returns to Zitao’s house in the Wilds. Sehun remembers the different paintings and books and little trinkets that lined his walls, marking the place as his. He doesn’t think he’ll ever find someone like Zitao.

Then he thinks of waking up everyday to his face. He’s thinking of how his life will be if he decides to stay with someone as bright and interesting as Zitao, and now he wants to run away.

He wants to run away with Zitao.

It’s a silly fantasy, Sehun knows, but nothing ever stops him from dreaming. The words in his mind get all jumbled up; he wants to imagine what he’ll say to Zitao to convince him to run away. It’s like he’s seeing his entire life from this new angle, and he doesn’t see the future of being a perfect citizen anymore. He’s not afraid of anything anymore, as long as he has Zitao running along beside him.

The Jung family leaves before curfew is set and Sehun sighs in relief. He does the dishes while his parents catch up on the news even after they’ve discussed it all night with Krystal’s parents. Sehun doesn’t want to be like that with Zitao. He wants to talk about interesting things like books, the real ones that aren’t screened by the DFS, and music and life _._ He doesn’t want to be a sad family like what he sees right now.

“Did you see the scar on Krystal’s neck?” his mother suddenly asks. “That’s how you’re going be after the procedure.”

“You’ll be a good person, Sehun. Everything will be perfect,” his father adds.

 _A perfect nightmare,_ Sehun thinks to himself.

 

 

 

It’s a windy day, so they spend their afternoon in the area behind the house that they always stay in. Zitao brought out the mat and Sehun nicked a little food from the store earlier, so they’re having a peaceful picnic.

Recently, they’ve been closer in more ways than one. Sehun understands Zitao, feels his emotion even from far away, and vice versa. So it’s no surprise when Zitao tilts his face and silently asks, _“What’s wrong?”_

“What do you think about... living with each other?”

Zitao stares at him.

“In the Wilds? Running away with each other?”

Zitao’s eyes widen, looking away from Sehun. “I knew it would be a bad idea to bring it up. I’m sorry, it was really--”

“No, Sehun. That’s not the real problem here. The problem is that I’m unsure about you.”

“What are you unsure about?”

“Your feelings. I’m unsure about your feelings for me.” Zitao bites his bottom lip. Sehun pulls him closer and kisses him desperately, not caring if someone might see them or anything like that. Zitao pushes him away, shaking his head.

“Why aren’t you sure about this? _I love you,_ ” Sehun repeats.

“I know that. But do you love me enough that you’d be willing to risk everything you know to be with me? Is this even about me, Sehun?” He sighs when Sehun looks away. “This isn’t about me; it’s about you. I know you’re scared of the procedure and all of that--”

“I love you.” Sehun grips Zitao’s hands. “I love you and I’m sure of that. I’m scared, not of the cure, but of losing you because of it. I’ve risked my life and everything I know because I love you and I want to be with you. I never thought I would find you, but I did and now I want to have you for the rest of my life.

“The worst part about the cure is that it makes you forget what’s truly important to you. It muffles your feelings until you barely feel anything and you won’t even be close to what you were before. I don’t want to lose the part of myself that’s learned how to love.”

Zitao strokes his face, thumb stroking his cheek. “I need to know that you’re sure about this, that you’re sure about _me._ ”

Sehun nods. “It’s you. This is for us.”

 

 

 

Baekhyun hits him with an eraser. Sehun jumps back into his body, too deep in thought with his plan to escape with Zitao. “What are you thinking about?” Baekhyun’s smile turns into a dangerous grin. “Or more of, _who_ are you thinking about?”

Sehun hits him back. “Shut up!” he hisses. “I wouldn’t want anyone to hear anything about that.”

“Why? Are you thinking of running away with your _one true love_ now?” When Sehun doesn’t respond, Baekhyun’s jaw drops. “You can’t be serious.”

“I am.”

Baekhyun stands up from his bed and starts pacing. He looks messy and scared and nervous, even if this isn’t his problem to deal with. “You really can’t be serious. What about your life here? Your family? Your pair? What’s going to happen to them when you leave?”

“They live their lives. I don’t think I should be concerned about them anymore.” Sehun has mastered the art of being as flat as possible. To be honest, he hasn’t thought about any of them yet. Maybe it’s a sign of how selfish he truly is, but he won’t lie and pretend that he’s ever cared about his parents the way that Baekhyun cares for his.

Baekhyun, with his loud mouth and need to use it and talk everyone’s ears off. Baekhyun, with his endless energy and enthusiasm for most things. Sehun will definitely miss him.

“You’ll be fine, Sehun. I know you and I kind of know him.” Baekhyun pats his shoulder. “I’ll miss you, but you’ll be fine.”

Baekhyun plops down on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. “I met my pair today. Her name is Kim Daeri, and her father is one of those rich men that work in the banks. She’s nice and a little loud when our parents finally left us alone, but I don’t want to do it.”

“Why not? She’s loud; you’re loud. It’s a perfect match,” teases Sehun. Baekhyun glares at him and looks away.

“She’s going to change after she gets the procedure. And so will I. I don’t want this at all, Sehun.”

“Why don’t you run away with us?” Sehun suddenly offers. Baekhyun starts laughing and shakes his head.

“I think I’m just going to have to deal with it, you know? I don’t have the guts to run away from everything that I know, unlike you.” Baekhyun grins at him. “You’re going to be very happy. I’m sure of it.”

 

 

 

Zitao says goodbye to the house for the very last time before he picks up his pack. Sehun is waiting for him at the backyard, staring at the stars. They’ve been waiting for the perfect time to run, and now they’re just stalling. Sehun knows he’s going to have a few regrets when he leaves, like never saying goodbye to his family or Baekhyun. His best friend knows about the attempt, but he never told him about when they’re leaving. He almost told him, but then he remembered that it didn’t matter if Baekhyun knew when; he might just end up being endangered by the information.

Right before they open the back door, loud sirens start blaring in the empty neighborhood. Zitao’s eyes widen. “Regulators. They’re here.”

They run through the cluster of trees, trying to lose the regulators chasing them down. Unlike the last time he was running from them, he doesn’t lose sight of Zitao. They ran to the far end of the neighborhood, the area near the border wall. Unfortunately, the area they reach is far from the hole in the wall that they used to leave before.

There are guards in the towers, and there are also regulators still chasing after them. Zitao makes the decision to drop their backpacks and lift Sehun up first. Sehun looks at him, concerned.

“What are you planning to do?” he asks. Zitao links his fingers together.

“Get the hook from your bag. I’ll give you a lift.” He growls when Sehun doesn’t move instantly. “Come on! We don’t have any time left!”

Sehun follows him and throws the hook up at the wall. It hits properly and Sehun tugs on the rope to check. He places his foot on Zitao’s fingers and holds onto the rope. Zitao pushes him up and his grip on the rope tightens, trying to climb up without injuring his hand with the friction of the rope. He makes it to the edge.

Sehun tries to reach out for Zitao and hand him the rope, but the regulators surround Zitao before he can even move. Sehun hears the sound of guns shooting and he forcefully throws the rope to Zitao. “Take it!” he screams.

“Go on!” Zitao tells him. They make eye contact for a second, and Sehun knows he shouldn’t do it. Sehun knows that everything he is right now is all because of Zitao. Sehun knows that he wouldn’t be on that wall, safe from the regulators if Zitao didn’t sacrifice himself like that.

A gun is shot again. Sehun falls back, pain flaring from his shoulder. He feels dizzy and he wants to throw up, but his body is too hurt to even move.

Somehow, he finds the strength to stand up and limp his way into the forest. He doesn’t know what to expect, he doesn’t know anything anymore, but he has to keep going.

_For Zitao._

 

 

 

 

 

 

The world is fragile. Despite what the government says about it, their system is not perfect. There will always be a weak link, the liability that they only see when everything’s gone to hell.

The world’s liability is its people.

There is no such thing as perfect. The world has realized that by now, and now their goal is to eradicate it of all its flaws, regardless of how.

 

 

 

His forehead is damp.

He doesn’t know if it’s sweat or water or some sort of strange medicine, but it’s damp and he feels weird. Then he feels small hands wiping away the sweat on his neck with a wet cloth, and he feels just a bit better.

Sehun tries to sit up but the small hands are surprisingly strong, pushing him down onto the mat he must be lying on. “Wh-where am... I...” Sehun asks. His throat is dry and his eyes are still closed.

“You’ll be safe here.” The words are the same but the voice is different. Sehun suddenly wishes that he died so that he won’t be here anymore. He doesn’t ever want to wake up.

 

 

 

Sehun sits up immediately, waking up from the sight of lights and dust and the sound of gunshots. He’s been dreaming of it for so long, and he almost doesn’t remember if he ever woke up in that period. All he knows is Zitao’s gone. Zitao’s gone and he’s here alone.

He groans when he feels his body weighing him down. He almost collapses and hits his head on the floor, but luckily, a hand catches him just in time.

“Be careful,” a deep voice says. It’s not the same person as before, obvious with how large his hand is. Sehun is weak and tired so he allows himself to be laid down gently. He opens his eyes, adjusting to the light from the lantern with a little difficulty.

“Is he awake?” another one asks. Large Hands nods and lets Big Eyes fuss over Sehun, wiping his face with the cloth and adjusting his blanket and pillow.

“I’m awake,” croaks Sehun. Big Eyes smiles and helps him sit up, placing a bowl of something beside them.

“I’m Kyungsoo and the one who held you when you woke up is Chanyeol.” Kyungsoo smiles at him and tries to feed him a little of the broth.

“We have to take care of you, so just relax for a while okay?” Chanyeol says. He leaves the room, forcing Kyungsoo to take care of Sehun by himself.

“What happened to me? How did I end up here?” The feeling of something in his stomach reminds him that he hasn’t eaten in a long time, and he practically begs Kyungsoo for another spoonful and another bowl. Kyungsoo shakes his head and puts away the food.

“We found you lying around next to a tributary of the river. Suho and Kris were fighting between taking care of you or not. Suho won so now you’re here.” Kyungsoo hands him a glass of water, smiling when he drinks it up like a lost puppy.

“I should thank him then?” Sehun asks. He feels much better now that his throat isn’t dry and his stomach has something inside for the first time in so long. He suddenly misses the large meals he gets at home, the clean water that he could get distilled and filtered from the shop. He misses waking up and going to work just a few hours later. He misses the familiar evening routine, something that he’s gotten used to even if he never liked it.

“When you feel better, I’m going to introduce you to everyone here, alright?” Sehun nods. He doesn’t think of Zitao right now, the impossible chance that he could be there waiting for Sehun outside that door. Even up to now, Zitao is still the only one in his mind and it hurts. It hurts so much to remember him, even for just a second.

 

 

 

Sehun gets better by the next day. He still isn’t out of the homestead, doing chores and duties, but he’s trying his best to help with the work inside. Kyungsoo’s usually in charge of their supplies in cooking while Chanyeol and Kris are the hunters. Yoona and Luna get water from the lake while Suho is in charge of the traps. They work like a machine, smooth and efficient.

Sehun is still trying to find his place in the group.

One night, he wakes up with the need to get some water. As he passes by one of the rooms, he hears Suho and Kris arguing.

 _“... we need more people with us. We can’t just tell him to leave because you want this operation to be done quickly,”_ Suho says.

 _“So? He doesn’t contribute anything to us. We need to conserve our resources now.”_ Kris isn’t heartless, Sehun knows that, but he hasn’t been showing that side of himself at all to Sehun.

_“That’s because he isn’t well enough to do anything yet.”_

_“How long should we wait before he gets to do something for us?”_

_“Maybe I’ll take him out to the traps tomorrow, tell him how it works so he can help me set it up.”_

_“I still don’t think--”_

Sehun opens the door and interrupts them. “Look, if you want to let me go, go ahead. If you keep me, I’m willing to do anything. I owe you guys a lot and I want to pay you back somehow, but I need you to give me a chance.”

He leaves the room and heads to the kitchen to get the glass of water that he’s needed for a while now. Sehun hates the feeling of being useless. Back then, he could just put on a straight face and everything would be fine. But now he’s free to express himself, to be what he wants to be.

That night, he dreams of Zitao. He dreams of Zitao being with him at that moment, hugging him, telling Sehun that he loves him. Maybe that’s what Sehun misses the most: the feeling of being loved.

Zitao didn’t warn him about this. Zitao didn’t tell him about having to be harder than ever, living off barely any food, trying his best to fit into another society that he doesn’t belong in either. Zitao only told him the good things, but he never warned him about the regrets that he’ll feel, the memories that will suddenly attack him without any warning. This would have been easier if he had Zitao but he doesn’t. He doesn’t have Zitao anymore.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo gives him a larger serving of their rice mix. It’s not the best tasting thing in the world, but it can be made with only a few ingredients and can feed a lot of people with just one pot so that’s their food for now. Suho must have told him to reward Sehun for helping with the traps and collecting the water. It’s not just for the group, but also to prove that he can be useful to Kris.

After dinner, Luna takes him to an empty room to wash his face and clean his wound. Luna’s hands are soft and still delicate, even though she says she’s been in the Wilds for all her life. She stitches up anything that needs it, always apologizing when Sehun hisses in pain.

“And we’re done!” Luna says, always cheerful.

 _Always trying,_ as Sehun would put it. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with trying.

 

 

 

Chanyeol has a flask of whisky loosely hanging on his fingers. He’s a little tipsy now, even more talkative than usual. He has his arm around a sleeping Suho’s shoulders, and he’s starting to spout nonsense. Sehun doesn’t drink, so he politely declines when Kris gives him another flask. Chanyeol would have taken that one, but Kris playfully plucked it out of his fingers.

“You know, Sehun, you did the right thing by going out here,” slurs Chanyeol. “Those Cities... they make you hate this world. They make you think that everything in this world is nothing compared to them. They don’t make you see that these are what you really need to know in life. Going out here must have been a huge thing for you.”

“It was,” Sehun murmurs to himself. “But now I’m fine.”

“Oh really?” Yoona butts in. “Are you really fine? Because you’re always looking at the distance and talking to yourself and it’s actually really sad because you seemed like such a normal person. Then you start going crazy, and then you’re seeing things, seeing _people;_ it all goes downhill from there, Sehun.”

They’re mostly all drunk, so it’s obviously just the alcohol talking. They’re all laughing and dancing around and Sehun wishes that go that he could just go in and join them shamelessly. But it’s as if his problem just keeps repeating and repeating: he doesn’t really belong here.

Kris offers him the flask again, a whimsical smile on his face. Sehun stares at the bottle, up at Kris, back at the bottle, and he thinks, _Screw it._ He grabs the flask and takes a long swig from it. The alcohol burns his throat but he’s feeling alive, more alive than he’s been in a long time.

“Look at us. We’re all survivors somehow. Everyone here went through a period of loss, and we all understand each other because of that. The people in the Cities... they throw us away like trash. We are trash to them, but don’t let it get to you,” Chanyeol advices.

“It’s okay. I used to be one of them so it doesn’t really affect me much.”

Chanyeol laughs, too loud for the pounding in Sehun’s head. After three long sips, Sehun’s definitely buzzed. Or drunk. He never thought he would ever be good at holding his liquor and here he is now, having hard drinks and suffering. Now he understands its appeal; there’s something so exciting about the world, something he can’t place his finger on, but he drinks a little more and the world is a little fuzzier and everything’s fine.

“You’re alright,” Kris says. He pats Sehun’s back, overestimating Sehun’s strength and sending him off his chair. Everyone laughs at him, but Sehun doesn’t feel the usual embarrassment. Everything’s fine.

 

 

 

They make their move before the cold really settles in. It’s dangerous to leave the little cellar that they’ve expanded to accommodate their group, but they have to take risks. Food isn’t going to come through the nearby river anymore, so the best option is to move out to one of the bigger homesteads. Sehun still doesn’t understand most of what’s happening, but he follows orders well so Suho keeps him around.

“Sehun, get a rifle and a knife. Let’s hunt.” Kris is still too intimidating for him so he takes the stuff and goes. Ahead of him, Kris is already looking for tracks. Sehun doesn’t know what they expect to find in this barren wasteland.

Kris starts to smell something. He makes a signal to Sehun and they tread carefully. The more they walk, the more Sehun smells what Kris is trying to track. It smells like something dead.

They stumble upon a hut, a bear guarding its entrance. Kris and Sehun stop, trying to control their breathing. Sehun’s starting to panic, unsure of what to do. Kris just tries to back away before the bear notices him.

Too late. The animal turns around and spots them, growling lightly. It crawls closer, and Sehun’s heart is starting to beat painfully against his chest. _I’m going to die, I’m going to die, I’m going to die--_

Kris fires his rifle towards the bear’s feet and the animal backs away. When Kris stops, he growls angrily and tries to charge. Sehun understands Kris’s signal, so he shoots at the animal’s legs again. The bear starts to cower, and Sehun throws a rock at him. It runs away, loud cries sounding out all over the forest.

When the land is silent, Sehun finally takes a deep breath. “That was terrifying.”

“It was,” Kris admits. “But at least now we can look at what’s inside this hut.”

They explore it and the smell comes from the dead body eaten by the bear from inside. Upon closer inspection, there’s a whole stash of food and meat in one of the boxes. Sehun silently thanks the dead body and they head back to camp with enough food to feed them for half the trip.

“You did well. The rock was a little unnecessary, but it helped.” Kris smiles at him, an unusual expression on the normally cold man’s face.

“Thanks.” Sehun keeps his gaze forward, ignoring Kris’s scoff.

“Don’t try to act like you’re always calm, Sehun. You escaped from a City. You don’t need to pretend to be anything here,” scolds Kris. Even if his words seem a little harsh, his tone isn’t condescending at all. This is the warmth that Sehun’s looking for. He knows Kris cares about him, in his own little way.

“Suho and I protect this group. Don’t feel too special,” Kris teases. He’s smiling fully, as if he’s proud of himself for reading Sehun’s mind.

“You look scary when you smile like that.”

Kris glares at him. Sehun shrugs. “What? You told me that I don’t need to pretend.” Kris simply stares while Sehun can’t hold back his laughter. “What’s wrong with that?”

When they arrive at camp, food in their arms and smiles on their faces, they’re surprised to see a new face around the campfire. Kris gives the food to Chanyeol and walks towards Suho and the girl. “Seulgi?” he asks.

“Kris,” she whispers. The Seulgi girl has Suho’s arm around her shoulders and his blanket wrapped around her. “I’m so happy I found you all again.”

“How did she get here?” Kris takes off his jacket and wordlessly hands it to Suho, dropping it on him even if Suho tries to object.

“I sent Chanyeol and Kyungsoo to see if the highway is still far off. They found her under the bridge, shivering in the open air. She’s lucky they found her there or she would have died of the cold,” explains Suho. He looks so happy to see her, and Sehun wonders why.

“Seulgi’s been with our group ever since she was a little girl,” Chanyeol whispers. “We were chased down by a group of Scavengers and we lost her. Now she’s back.”

Sehun makes a sound of acknowledgment. “They’re really close with her.”

“Suho and Kris loved her. She’s everyone’s little sister here.” Chanyeol grins when she turns her head to look at him. “She’s really sweet and she’s a good cook like Kyungsoo. The original leaders of the group found her right before they took me in. She’s like our baby who grew up too fast.”

That night, they celebrate by cooking a little more food than usual. Sehun’s in charge of taking care of Seulgi for the time being, just until she’s stable enough to start working. They huddle against a tree, and even if they’re strangers to each other, she leans against him in her sleep. He places his blanket over their legs and places his jacket around her shoulders. Kris smiles at him when he passes by their area of the camp.

“Take care of her well,” he says.

Sehun smiles. “I will.”

 

 

 

Sehun feels like something’s watching him. He’s hoping that it’s just an animal, but something feels a little weird. It’s too weird.

“Suho,” he says. Everyone keeps walking, ignoring him, so he reaches out to touch his shoulder. The small male turns around to face him.

“What?” Suho asks grumpily. Sehun mouths, _Someone’s watching us._ Suho’s eyes widen and he says the same thing to Kris.

“You feel it too?” Kris slowly brings out his rifle and pretends to check it for damage. Sehun is hypersensitive of the blade strapped to his thigh. Suho tries to look around.

He sees a shadow moving in the trees and brings out his knife. At the sight of a blade, the figure emerges from the trees. And then another, and another, and another. Sehun gasps at their number and brings out his knife as well.

“Go get them,” the woman in front says. Everyone starts running, and Sehun unconsciously grabs Seulgi’s hand, pulling her deeper into the woods. Faintly, he hears someone screaming, “High!” probably talking about the highway.

They hide behind a large pile of fallen logs. Sehun and Seulgi take a few minutes before they start looking around. She sees a shadow of a small man and recognizes Kyungsoo running with a Scavenger right behind him.

Seulgi takes his hand and squeezes it hard. “I’ve been chased down so many times when I was alone. I should be used to this.”

“It’s my first time to be chased down like this. It’s horrible. I feel like a spooked animal,” Sehun grumbles. She can only laugh at his expression, squeezing his hand again.

“You’ll get used to it. We’re always like spooked animals in the Wilds. We’re just trying to survive, and so are they. If you put that as your mindset, it gets easier to understand why things are what they are.”

It sounds like a loser’s perspective, but she’s right. It makes it easier for him to keep moving.

“We should go to the highway. They’ll be looking for us.” Sehun tries to stand up, but Seulgi pulls him back down.

“Quiet,” she whispers. “There’s a Scavenger nearby.”

It’s the woman who seemed like their leader. She has a wild look in her eyes, one that screams _dangerous_ from every possible angle. The two teens stay still, trying not to breathe. If Sehun could laugh, he probably wouldn’t have stopped laughing at the thought that this feels exactly like the time he and Kris encountered a bear.

“The woman is a bear,” Sehun mumbles. “We’re scared of the lady bear.”

Seulgi giggles, containing the sound as much as she can. “This really isn’t funny.”

“We could die, but we’re just laughing.” Sehun’s eyes crinkle with his laughter.

“This really isn’t funny,” Seulgi repeats. Finally, the woman disappears and they can breathe properly.

A few moments of complete silence passes by. Sehun suddenly gets the urge to talk.

“I’m an Unnatural.” Seulgi doesn’t even blink. “I ran away and everything got messed up.”

“We all knew what you were. Kris and Suho have their moments too. It’s fine.”

Seulgi sighs. “My mom died while giving birth to me here in the Wilds. My father abandoned me to the leader of a community. They were killed by Scavengers when I was around nine. I found this other group and now I’m here.”

“That’s even rougher.”

“I think everyone here has their own story, their own set of faults and mistakes. None of us are perfectly fine without any crosses to carry and scars in our hearts.” Seulgi smiles through it all, but Sehun can feel her sadness.

“We’re animals,” she repeats, “injured to our deepest core.”

They stay there for nearly an hour before they stand up and go towards the highway. It’s good that Sehun remembered where to go or else they’d be wandering around the forest aimlessly. Everyone’s just waiting for them and for Chanyeol. Sehun pats Kyungsoo’s shoulder and smiles at him.

“How’d you run away from that one Scavenger chasing you?”

“It seems preposterous, but I crashed on the ground and played dead.” Everyone laughs quietly, still in fear of another group of Scavengers.

Chanyeol finally comes back, a few scratches on his arms. They continue towards the winter homestead that they chose to stay in, even if they have only half of the supplies they had a few hours ago and they’re all tired.

“Come on guys. We have to keep going.” Suho has a deep cut on his cheek, but he refuses to let Luna look at it. He continues walking, strong and steady.

 

 

 

“Hey.”

The voice sends shivers down Sehun’s spine. His voice is still a little high and scratchy and he kind of sounds like he’s whining all the time, but that’s Zitao’s true self. He opens his eyes and sees pitch black orbs staring at him.

“What are you doing here?” Sehun asks. Zitao shrugs.

“I just wanted to see you.”

“I miss you.”

“I miss you too.”

Sehun closes his eyes again, imagines Zitao hugging him tightly. He wants him to be there so badly that he’s starting to see Zitao being part of his current life. He’d probably go hunting with Kris and Chanyeol, or he would try to look for water with the girls. Maybe he’d want to handle the food like Sehun does with Kyungsoo. Maybe all he’d do is just stare at Sehun and smile at him and make him feel like everything he’s gone through is worth it.

Sehun knows it’s just the loneliness, the endless echoing of his need inside his empty mind. He’s going to dream of Zitao’s touch, Zitao’s kiss, Zitao’s voice again. It’s not the first time it’s happened.

 

 

 

“You’re ready.” Kyungsoo pins his arms down and tries to restrain him. Chanyeol stuffs a clean shirt into his mouth. Suho has the sharp object that could resemble the three-pronged scar people get after the procedure. Sehun knew about this other version of the procedure, the one that shows your firm decision to fight for freedom, and he’s ready.

Sehun nods, closing his eyes and trying to think of something other than having a really sharp thing stabbing his neck. His mind wanders to Zitao as usual, and his rough hands hold Sehun’s. Sehun doesn’t know who it really is, but he’s thankful.

The object pierces his skin and Sehun screams, holding onto the hand as tightly as he could.

 

 

 

Sehun’s been through a lot in the month or two that he’s been in the Wilds. Most of it is life-changing, traumatizing and horrible. But it’s not all bad, at least not with the people that he’s been with.

One funny incident involved a door and a bottle of lube. They found a stable house that they could stay in for the night, and Kyungsoo was already starting to cook when Chanyeol found out that the front door was stuck. He saw that the problem wasn’t the hinge but it was the doorframe; it broke somehow and now the wood is pressing down too hard on the door itself and it can’t move.

Chanyeol remembered a bottle of lubrication that he put in his pack. _“You never know when you’ll need it,”_ he had said. What he didn’t expect was for it to be half-empty when he clearly remembered it being full when he put it in his bag.

He stormed into the room that everyone was staying in, angry with a bottle of lube in his hand. “Alright, who used up so much of the lube?” No one responded, and he only got angrier. “Come on, guys. Don’t we have the resource conservation rule? No wasting or playing with any of the things we can use?”

Sehun looked away, trying to hold back his laughter. Chanyeol glared at him. “I bet it was _you._ Despite what your imagination shows you, I don’t think it’s advisable to waste our crap by trying to shove your dick up your own--”

Yoona burst out with laughter, holding onto her bag like it was her lifeline. “I-I’m sorry, Chanyeol. But while you’re getting mad at Sehun for something I don’t think he’d have the space and time to try, I’m too busy laughing at Kris and Suho for trying to seem innocent in all of this.”

The two leaders blushed and gritted their teeth. Chanyeol groaned in annoyance, huffing away and grumbling to himself. Sehun lets himself go and laughs loudly, hiding his face behind his hands. “Why did he get so mad?” Sehun asked in between his laughter. “I don’t understand--”

Kris threw a shirt at him, mortified when Suho walked over to him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “It was used for a good purpose though, right Kris?” Suho touched his butt and grinned at him, enjoying the way his blush turned even darker and he ran away.

Then there was also the time that the girls found a whole box of rubber bands on the ground. They were bored when night time came, and Luna had the greatest idea ever.

“Let’s braid their hairs.”

Seulgi perked up at the sound of the word “braid.” She ran her hand through her messy hair, grimacing when there were too many knots and it smelled bad. They tried to be as neat as possible, but that was a nearly impossible feat once you’re living in the Wilds.

“I’ll start with Kris. His hair is pretty long,” whispered Yoona. Luna pointed at Chanyeol and went over to him, parting his hair gently. Seulgi flailed around for a bit, wondering about who’s more vicious: Kyungsoo or Sehun?

She definitely didn’t want to touch Kyungsoo.

Seulgi sighed as she looked at Sehun’s hair. Carefully, she tried to pull his hair, but he woke up instantly, glaring at her. “It’s not morning and we’re not under attack. Why are you waking me up?”

She pointed at the two other girls already halfway through their second braid. Sehun started laughing, clutching his stomach at the thought of Chanyeol with his head covered in small braids. Seulgi sat down beside him, and they watched while Yoona and Luna actually finished all of their hair before the night ended.

Chanyeol woke up first, wondering why his hair felt a little heavy and it was windy. He placed one hand on his scalp and screamed loud enough to wake up the whole forest. Yoona and Luna were rolling around on the floor, giggling endlessly. Chanyeol takes it off as quickly as possible, groaning in frustration when his already messy hair became wavy and weird.

Kris woke up sometime after Chanyeol’s alarm clock screaming, and he had the exact same reaction. Even while he tried to take off the rubber bands in Kris’s hair, Kyungsoo was laughing. Kris stood up and turned around after Kyungsoo was finished, completely clueless of the last tiny braid at the back of his head. Kyungsoo winked at Yoona and it took Kris an entire day to figure it out.

Safe to say, Sehun’s experience in the Wilds wasn’t entirely horrible.

 

 

 

Sehun and Suho are out of the camp, scouting ahead to see if the homestead is nearby. Suho brings out a small loaf of bread he sneaked out of their food supply. “You want some?”

Sehun grins. “Of course I do.”

They sit on the ground, eating happily. Sehun’s been feeling less lonely now, maybe because it’s been a while since he last dreamed of Zitao. He thinks it’s a good sign, a sign that he might be starting to move on.

“Do you miss your... _person?_ ” Suho suddenly asks. Sehun looks up at him, not expecting a question like that.

He shrugs, finishing off his half of the bread. “I do. I always will.” Suho looks wistful, so Sehun returns the question. The smile on Suho’s face is calm and sweet.

“I don’t think you can miss someone you’re always with.”

“Ah.” Sehun smiles and shakes his head. “I see.”

“Kris and I were just regular people before. I ran away from a City, just like you. I was scared and I didn’t think any of this through, but I kept going. Eventually I just collapsed on a tree, too tired and hungry and scared to move. He found me there, and of course I was a little apprehensive at the sight of an Invalid, but the first thing he did was kneel down in front of me and hug me.”

“What?” Sehun stares at him in disbelief.

“I was thinking of the same thing. He just hugged me and told me to calm down and be quiet. A few seconds later, a bear passed by us. I could feel my heart beating against his; we were both terrified. Eventually the moment was over and I thanked him for helping me. He told me that he was lost too, lost from his group of Invalids.

“I walked with him even if I was scared and he didn’t know where we were really going to go. We found his camp, but there was only one person left: an old man. Kris looked so sad when I saw him; he must have lost all of his friends and family in one go. A group of Scavengers attacked and looted them, but they must have found some sort of sick mercy in them to spare Pop, the old man.

“We wandered around again and eventually, we found the group with Chanyeol and Kyungsoo and the rest of them. There were a few others in the group, but they caught a sickness and eventually passed on. I remember how sad Kris was when Pop died along with them. It was the worst I’ve ever seen him.”

“That sounds...” Sehun looks down. “It sounds horrible.”

“It was. I don’t want to ever see Kris like that.” Suho smiles bitterly. “After that, we had to lead them all by ourselves. It was hard obviously; have you ever tried to tell Chanyeol what to do when he’s still sleepy and grumpy?” Sehun laughs. “It was nearly impossible before. Now he’s older and a lot more mature, and he’s turned up as a great person.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah. That’s the best Chanyeol could ever be,” Suho says jokingly. He clears his throat. “Well anyway, when I first introduced myself to him, I was Suho. I don’t know why I had to say ‘guardian,’ but a part of me knew that I wanted to be strong, like a guardian to himself. Kris told me his real name and I said mine, but I didn’t know that it was a sign of trust in the Wilds. I didn’t know that I was actually giving a big part of myself to him.

“And then stuff happened. And here we are now.”

Suho talks about it so fondly, as if all that time he spent suffering was all worth it because he was able to find Kris along the way. Sehun thinks of himself; would he be like that when he talks about Zitao? He’s never said a word about him to anyone yet, and he’s surprised that they haven’t figured out everything about him.

He looks up and sees the stars. Sehun remembers that night with Zitao; the way they held each tightly and never wanted to let go; the salty taste of Zitao’s skin; the warmth of their bodies pressed against each other. Sehun could never forget that.

“We should go back.” Sehun’s voice cracks. Suho doesn’t know what’s happening, so he squeezes Sehun’s hand and hopes that he’s okay, that he’ll be okay.

 

 

 

It’s never safe in the Wilds. Sehun doesn’t register that he’s already running from a Scavenger until a leaf flies by his face so fast, he only saw a blur and felt a feather. He remembers jogging with Baekhyun, and he feels a pang in his heart at the thought of his best friend. He remembers the love he once had for the wind, the infatuation with it hitting his face while he ran through the City’s streets. Then he remembers sneaking around to meet Zitao and he almost loses the will to even move.

Again, he should really stop reminiscing and start running faster.

The wind of late autumn is getting colder and colder, and the jacket and two shirts he’s wearing isn’t enough to battle the cold. Eventually, he loses the Scavenger, suddenly remembering that face from the last time they were chased down. Sehun’s only lucky he made it out of his path; Kyungsoo barely managed to run during the last time he was chased.

They meet in the large clearing near the edge of the forest. Yoona’s arm is deeply cut, and even with a bandage and a makeshift sling, nothing can stop the pain. The group slows their pace down a little, but Yoona insists that she’ll be fine.

“We have to get to the homestead before it’s too cold. Just walk normally. My arm’s the one that’s been injured, not my leg,” Yoona orders with a smile on her face.

“She’s a trooper,” comments Kyungsoo. “We need people as strong as that.”

Her effort is much appreciated, especially when they find the homestead within the same day. It would have taken another day to find it if they had slowed down for her.

Suho runs forward to the door, knocking loudly and hoping that someone’s inside. It’s his lucky day. The man who opens it recognizes him instantly.

“We’ve been waiting for you,” the man says. Suho invites the others to go in and they all cheer, happy to be inside a warm shelter for the first time in a month.

After they’ve put down all their things and settled down in the sleeping area, a large room full of mats and blankets, the man who greeted them starts talking. “I’m Leeteuk, leader of the squad of the Resistance in this area. Right now, we’re near Seoul, the capital City.” Sehun makes a sound of acknowledgment. They taught the history of their country when he was still in school, and he remembers a few details about the old City.

Leeteuk calls the two leaders to a separate room, and the others take that as their cue to move around and relax. Sehun sees that there are only a few people in the homestead, all of them looking weathered and even more tired than their group. They must all be fighters.

Sehun goes to the bathing area and cheers when he sees the tub of warm water. Eagerly, he strips off his clothes and sinks in. He can feel the cleansing, the dirt finally rubbing away from him. He starts to feel more human the more he scrubs at his skin with soap. He’s never felt this thankful for a bath.

He even gets new clothes and a heavy meal. Right now, this could be heaven for him.

“The only thing missing is Zitao,” he mumbles to himself. Sehun smiles, looking up at the ceiling.

_I miss you._

 

 

 

“I’ll do it.”

Sehun doesn’t know where this rush of bravery came from, but now he’s said it. He’s been listening to the leaders talking, and he knows that they need a spy to go inside Seoul. Sehun knows that they need him, and he’s going to do it.

Leeteuk stares at him blankly. “Alright then.”

“What? You’re making him go in, just like that?” Kris objects. Suho places his hand on Kris’s arm, squeezing lightly.

“I’ll go in with him. Luna and I can be his parents.”

Leeteuk smiles. “That’s even better. It’s settled then. I’ll tell my contact to give you some info in their system.”

In the sleeping area, Kris and Suho are having a silent fight. Kris is lying down with his head on Suho’s lap while the younger male is reading one of the books they have stashed in their closet. Kris is trying very hard to stay still and enjoy Suho’s fingers massaging his scalp, but he’s too mad to even think about that.

“Do you know how dangerous it is to go in there? What if you get caught? What’s going to happen?” he asks.

“I get caught.” Kris doesn’t seem to be impressed. “It’s okay. We risk our lives all the time; nothing’s going to change.”

“I can’t watch you. I can’t take care of you.” His voice drops to a whisper. “Joonmyun--”

 _“Yifan,”_ whispers Suho. “I need you to trust me.”

Suho leans down to kiss him softly, not being as subtle as they usually are. Suho goes back to his reading and Kris tries to go to sleep. They don’t hide how their fingers are neatly linked together. Sehun can see and hear them from his sleeping place on the floor. He’s envious, definitely.

 

 

 

Sehun knows who he is. He knows who Suho is: a man named Baekhyun, per Sehun’s request. He knows who Luna is: a woman named Jinri, chosen after another girl who was part of their group before. He knows the part the he has to play, and he knows that he has to play it well.

When the documents and the full life story arrives, they go inside the walls. For the first time in a while, Sehun is reminded of his escape, the one that should have brought him freedom but instead gave him the heavy guilt of knowing that he couldn’t help the man he loved escape with him.

Again, Sehun knows who he is. He is a new person with no past, no problems, no regrets. He is a new person with no love, just laws. He is everything he must be, everything that he truly despises.

But it’s okay. He is merely a tool for the plan.

 

 

 

It takes a few weeks before Sehun truly gets used to the life. School is weird, and he feels odd for knowing everything but not telling the teacher that he’s so much more advanced than this. His life is bland and tiring, and this is exactly why Sehun left his City in the first place.

Then the meetings of the _Deliria_ Free Society start. At first, Sehun seems uninterested, but then he remembers that he has to have enthusiasm for these things. He starts listening for anything, for plans of destruction or anything that could endanger their lives in the City even more. Nothing interesting comes up and Sehun goes home with even more disappointment on his shoulders.

“It’s okay. We just need to wait,” encourages Suho. Luna smiles beside him, and he can see that they would be great for each other if they were paired together.

“I’m sure they’re going to say something soon. And if they don’t, we’ll have to wait for something to happen instead.” Luna’s smile comforts Sehun a lot.

“Thanks. I’ll just have to be more patient.”

He doesn’t have to be patient much longer. In the next meeting, the commander-in-chief’s son, Kim Jongin starts talking.

“I was diagnosed with a heart problem when I was eight years old. Ever since then, I’ve been going to regular check-ups every week or two. I’ve been living life attached to a machine or with tubes going inside me for so long. But I asked guidance from God and now I’m here, here to tell you that you’re lucky you can all receive the cure so easily. For me and the age when I should receive the procedure, the cure might ruin my condition and send me to permanent death.

“Be grateful that you can receive it because you’ll be able to save yourself from the _deliria._ For me, the cure is both my life and my death.”

Everyone in the room claps. Some Uncured teens are even crying, touched by his story. Sehun remains emotionless. He remembers Leeteuk’s message to him: _“Stay low, but keep your eye on Jongin. Make sure you know if he knows anything about the DFS’s plans or he could be a danger too.”_

On his way out of the meeting room, Sehun is handed a flyer. It’s an invitation to the big DFS meeting, one that everyone in the City is invited to. Sehun knows that this is going to be a huge announcement, so he keeps it in his pocket.

Belatedly, he remembers that he had another smaller bag with his clothes for gym class. He rushes back to the meeting hall, blasting past the doors and into the empty room.

He sees Jongin by his seat, staring at the bag oddly. Jongin picks it up and stares at it.

“That’s mine,” Sehun says.

Flat. Emotionless. Cured. That’s all Sehun tells himself to act like.

Jongin stretches his arm forward. “Take it.”

Sehun takes it slowly, trying not to gasp when their fingers brush. Jongin is warm, incredibly warm, but he can’t show any emotion.

“Thank you.” Sehun bows and turns around. It’s curt and probably rude, but Jongin doesn’t know what it feels like to be cured. He’s had to delay his procedure so many times because all the doctors say he might die because of it.

Sehun goes home with a smile on his face. Suho and Luna are on the couch, watching the evening news. A pang of nostalgia hits Sehun. But it’s better now. He doesn’t have to fear his family anymore.

“I’ve got news.” Suho and Luna perk up. “I’ve got pretty useful news.”

 

 

 

All Sehun has to do is keep an eye out for Jongin. Protect him or not, as long as he knows where he’s going. He doesn’t know why he has to pay so much attention to Jongin, but he just has to follow.

Luna hands him a pocket knife and tells him to keep it, “Just in case.” Her worried expression concerns him.

Sehun can barely breathe in the middle of the crowd. There are bodies everywhere, smell and sight mixing into one messy blur. It’s noisy too, and it takes Sehun a little while before he sees Jongin. He’s sitting on a chair beside his stoic father.

When the microphone crackles, the crowd stills. The commander is speaking.

“Today, we will reveal to you the new plans of the _Deliria_ Free Society. For a long time now, we’ve been targeted and attacked by these _Invalids,_ filthy people who refuse to immune themselves from the dangers of the _deliria._ We have been their enemies, even though all we’ve done is protect ourselves. But now it’s time to strike back.”

Sehun looks around for Suho or Luna, but he can’t see them even with the advantage of his height. His heart is pounding; he doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know what _they’re_ going to do.

“We’ve prepared our full arsenal. We’ve trained all our men for combat. We’re done with just protecting ourselves. We’re done with being the prey, hoping and praying that these Invalids leave us alone. This time, we’ll be the ones to chase them down and finish them off. Victory for the Society!”

Everyone cheers, but Sehun can’t even bring himself to pretend. Their full arsenal means guns, bombs, helicopters full of weapons. Combat means running everyone down, hunting every Invalid that they can see. This means war, a war that the Invalids will never win.

He hears a gunshot. Everyone drops, and panic quickly spreads through the crowd. There are people screaming, children crying, loud warnings blaring from the speakers. Sehun checks his pocket and sighs in relief when the pocket knife is still there.

“Just in case,” he tells himself.

Sehun catches sight of Jongin being led to a door behind the stage. He squeezes his way through the crowd, ducking when he hears another gunshot. There are Invalids-- _Scavengers_ \--running into the stadium full of people. They’re shooting at the air, asking for a reaction but not brave enough to actually shoot.

Sehun doesn’t care. Jongin’s probably deep into the bunker by now, and he has to make up for lost time. He dodges through a cluster of people, finally making it to the railing holding the people in, like animals in a cage. Sehun jumps over it and runs as fast as he can to the opening of the bunker. Nobody seems to notice him, too busy with the savages holding guns. The metal door is heavy, but he uses all his strength just to slip into a tight crack.

It’s dark, but Sehun can make out the bare outline of the walls that are slowly growing darker. There must be a light source nearby. He goes to the wall and touches a small box. It’s a light switch and he’s surprised to hear a loud sound before the lights come on. Most of them are dead, but there’s enough light for him to see the steps leading down underground. Sehun is well aware that turning on the lights was a bad idea, but it’s the only way he could keep going. Suho didn’t give him a flashlight in his backpack.

When he reaches the end of the steps, he sees a narrow corridor, untouched by the light. He doesn’t even take a step forward before there’s a hand covering his mouth and a blindfold on his eyes.

 

 

 

It’s probably a few hours before Sehun wakes up. His eyes are blurry and he can’t breathe properly, but he starts to gain full consciousness when he feels the subtle warmth of a body beside him. He turns his head. It’s Kim Jongin, peacefully sleeping beside him. Sehun stands up slowly, taking note of his surroundings. It’s a small room with a mat in the center and a bucket by the corner. Bare, nearly empty.

He’s lucky that they didn’t take his backpack or the knife in his pocket. They must be the less trained or the nicer Scavengers. Probably the former.

Jongin stirs on the floor, finally waking up. Sehun kneels down beside him, putting on his mask. “Are you alright?”

Jongin nods. Sehun notes the cream colored sweat on his forehead. _Makeup,_ he thinks disdainfully. This boy is an idol, the model of obedience. He is the boy who is so desperate to have the cure, even if he knows he could die because of it.

He isn’t real. What Sehun sees is fear and exhaustion, not bravery and determination.

Jongin stands up and looks around. “How did you get here?”

“I ran when the shooting started. I found the door and hid here. Suddenly someone covered my mouth and eyes. I don’t know how I fell asleep but I woke up here,” Sehun answers. His voice is leveled and steady, even if he’s really nervous about being alone with his assignment.

“I thought they were going to beat me up. But they just put me to sleep and here I am.” He looks back towards Sehun and the younger male turns his head to the side, unconsciously showing off his procedural mark. Jongin seems to relax when he sees it, at ease to know that he’s with someone who’s cured.

“We’ll find a way out,” Sehun assures him. “We’ll be fine.”

“Sure we will,” replies Jongin. Sarcastic and distrusting; this won’t be easy for Sehun.

 

 

 

They’re given food and a jug of water every few hours. These must really be the most hospitable Scavengers out there. Sehun and Jongin stay on either side of the small room, but their long legs still end up touching each other somehow. Even after a long time of being in the Wilds and living skin to skin with everyone else, physical contact is weird for him again. The warmth of Jongin’s skin is enough to keep Sehun on earth; he could end up losing his cover if he keeps forgetting that he is this standard citizen unlucky enough to be captured by a group of Scavengers.

Jongin doesn’t trust him. But at the end of the day, they lie down on the same mat, huddling in the dark. It’s hot but they’d rather it be stifling than for them to feel the darkness creeping into their bones, shaking them like hollow sticks. Jongin is so much weaker than he looks, whimpering and sniffling in his dreams.

One time, Sehun is abruptly woken up from his sleep. He sits up, breathing heavily. Jongin is peering at him awkwardly, a little scared to touch. “You were dreaming. Is that supposed to happen?”

Sehun sighs. “Sometimes it happens. The cure isn’t perfect.”

“It’s supposed to be perfect. My father told me that, again and again. Now I know that it’s a lie, and he only tells me those things to make my words more believable when I’m onstage.” Jongin sighs. “I’m like a poster boy for the Society. I’m their way of attracting people to believe in everything they do. They think if they have a kid defending them from the public, they can get away with anything.”

“Do you believe in the cure? Is it true that you want it so badly but you can’t ever receive it?” Sehun questions. Jongin must not be used to being asked if he actually has these wants, obvious by how he stares at Sehun oddly.

“The cure is supposed to be perfect. I want to be perfect too.”

Sehun rolls his eyes. He’s just like every single one of them, but he actually has feelings. He goes back to sleep, ignoring the gaze he can feel on his back.

 

 

 

Days pass and they still haven’t seen the outside of the room. Sehun’s starting to get a little stir crazy, afraid that he seems too antsy. But even Jongin paces in the room just to feel a little movement. Sehun’s desperate enough to ask to be let out for a few minutes, like a dog waiting for its walk. He feels sick.

Nights pass and Jongin is starting to trust him. They lean on the same wall, breathing the same air. They talk about life, and Sehun is careful only to let a few real things about him slip. Jongin is transparent, talking about everything he feels so openly. Sehun appreciates it; his words fill up the emptiness in Sehun’s mind.

Sehun doesn’t sleep anymore. He’s busy trying to listen for footsteps, peeking out through the hole in the door where they slide the tray of food in. There’s usually a guard stationed outside the door for the entire day, but Jongin’s nightly snores convince them that there’s no need to waste their energy by guarding the door. Sehun sees his chance.

It takes him a few days to observe the lock without Jongin noticing. Citizens who are adept at pick locking? Not very common, nor is it encouraged. Sehun’s going to have to do this alone.

 

 

 

“You dream too much.”

Sehun wakes up from another nightmare. Zitao was holding his hand. They were on top of the border wall, and then Zitao let go of him and plunged down to the ground. He was bleeding so badly, and when Sehun made it down to see him one last time, it was Suho’s face staring at him. He looked up and saw Kris with a knife, rushing towards him. Right before the blade made contact with him, Kris turned into Jongin, a maniacal expression on his face.

If there was a reason why Sehun would take the cure, it would probably be to get rid of the dreams plaguing his mind every night.

But now Sehun’s just tired and he’s angry and Jongin’s the only one he could take it out to. “Maybe you should try losing someone you care for, someone you’d risk your life for, someone you _love_ \--”

“Love?” Jongin’s voice deepens at the sound of the word. “What love?”

Sehun scoffs. What more does he have to lose if he tells the truth? “I loved someone. I risked everything I had for him, and he died. He left me to struggle by myself, but I could never resent him because I love him.” Jongin stares. “What? Is it strange to know that not everything you think you know is true? Is it strange to find out that the bubble you live in, safe from the _deliria_ and all sorts of horrors, is actually nearly as ‘corrupted’ as the world out there?”

Jongin starts breathing heavily, backing away from Sehun. “Y-you’re _infected._ You’re not cured.”

Sehun laughs, bitter and angry. “Yes, Jongin. Yes I am, but that doesn’t matter now.” He takes a deep breath. “What’s important is that we make it out of here. What’s important is that we survive, and neither of us rots in this hellhole of a cell.”

Jongin crawls back until he hits the wall. “I don’t trust you.”

“I don’t trust myself either, but we have to set that aside because we’re on the same side, Jongin. I just want to get out of here.”

Jongin looks away, like a child who’s too afraid to look into the devil’s eyes. Sehun sighs, curling up into a ball and lying down. He may not have Jongin’s trust, but he might as well get some sleep.

 

 

 

Jongin can’t ignore him. They’re always touching, through their long legs or the occasional brush of their arms. The tan male jerks away from him, afraid of catching the _deliria_ from him. It takes a whole day of complete silence for Jongin to crack.

He’s curious, eager to learn and listen. Sehun misses being around people like him; the Wilds have sucked out all of the youth in everyone in it. Even Sehun isn’t the person who he used to be. He’s much, much different from that boy.

He’s very sorry for him.

“My father told me that they made an improvement in the cure, and this time I’d be able to receive it and survive. It was supposed to be part of the announcement, a big spectacle. The announcement about the second Blitz? It was just a front act. The main event was me.”

Sehun hesitantly takes his hand, squeezes lightly. Jongin is surprised, but he’s calmed down after the big revelation. He turns his palm over and squeezes back.

“Do you want the cure?” Sehun needs to know. “I want the honest truth.”

“I’m scared.” Jongin’s stare is dead, devoid of any emotion. “I hate this. I hate the life I was given.”

Sehun understands him so well. He knows what all of this must feel like for Jongin.

 

 

 

Sehun cheers silently when the lock clicks and the door hinges open slightly. He pockets his knife and peeks out into the hallway. It’s empty, just as scheduled. He has around fifteen minutes before a guard goes back.

He places his backpack in front of his chest to stop it from catching on anything. The stockroom of food must be in the room across theirs, so he brings out his knife just in case he needs to pick the lock again. Luckily, it’s unlocked so he steps in and turns on the light.

While stuffing food and ammo into his bag, he suddenly remembers Jongin, sleeping peacefully on the floor. He knows he should leave him; he has no concern over him anymore.

But he does have a conscience. Sehun closes his bag and sneaks back into their room. It’s lights out for them and the switch isn’t anywhere in the hallway, so Sehun has to survive with rousing Jongin in the dark.

“Jongin, wake up. I need you to wake up.”

He groggily sits up. “Sehun? What’s going on?”

“We’re getting out of here. Come on. We don’t have much time left before a guard catches us.” Sehun pulls him up and they slide past the door and into the empty hallway. Sehun closes the door behind him and runs past the narrow stone corridor, keeping his footsteps quiet. Jongin seems to be smart enough to keep his mouth shut as well, not questioning anything Sehun’s been doing.

Right before the reach the door at the end of the hall, Jongin stops before a slightly opened door.

_“--I’m waiting for payday. We’ve had those two for over a week and they still haven’t paid up.”_

_“What did you expect from a bunch of officials from the DFS? They treat us like slaves and make us do their dirty work without even paying up?”_

_“I’m half-tempted to just grab the son and shoot him. I wonder what they’d feel if they lost one of their greatest assets.”_

_“Ha! If you even dare, they’d kill us in a heartbeat. Did you see how much those people loved that kid? I can see why they told us to get him; probably to get the public’s attention.”_

_“Those asses. They’re lucky we were nice enough to accept their money even if they’re out to kill our people.”_

_“It would’ve been nicer if they gave us the go signal to kill someone, especially that little idol. I’d like to get some action, not just act like some babysitters.”_

Jongin is frozen. Sehun has to pull him harshly so that they’d go. He knows that Jongin’s still thinking about everything they said, but now’s not the time to think. Now’s the time to run. 

When they open the door, it leads to an even larger hall. It’s like the main chamber of the bunker, more doors lining the area. Sehun’s kind of starting to panic; there are two directions he could go to, but neither of them seems to be the right place to go. The Scavengers must have noticed that their two prisoners are gone. Jongin blindly runs towards one end and Sehun follows; it’s his turn to trust.

The end of the hall only has a stone wall and a small opening, only until the height of their legs. A door opens behind them and Sehun instantly knows that they’re going to get caught. Jongin ducks into the opening and tells Sehun to go in too.

It’s narrow and it smells really bad, but Jongin can see a light somewhere near the end. He places his hand on the wall, trying to ignore the sticky and grimy feeling beneath his fingertips. They walk and walk and walk, feeling the walls close down around them. Sehun can barely breathe, with the smell and the close proximity to Jongin and the walls. Jongin makes a turn and Sehun follows.

The splash of their footsteps on the ground starts getting louder, and the area turns into a sewer. The stench is twice as bad now, but Jongin can almost see the light ahead of them. They break into a run, excited to get out of this place.

The exit is blocked by a steel grating. Sehun takes the gun from his bag and shoots off the bolts, grinning when it comes off and Jongin kicks it off. They run out to the open air, stepping as far away as possible from the sewer water flowing into a hole in the ground.

Sehun laughs and Jongin pulls him into a hug. _We made it._

Abruptly, Jongin realizes what he’s doing. He pulls away, looking at the ground awkwardly. Sehun steps back, cringing at his own smell.

“I think we’re a little bit south of Seoul. There’s a safe place where we can stay in for a little while.”

It’s back to following and listening and awkward silences for them, but Sehun doesn’t really mind having Jongin along.

 

 

 

Jongin has a bandage on his shoulder where the stone scratched him too hard. They’ve bathed and changed clothes and have eaten. Sehun knows that they’re still in the same homestead as before so he sets them on that path.

Spring is definitely here, heat of the sun getting worse and worse. Sehun can feel the weight of the sunlight on his body, slowing him down until he and Jongin are each down to their last bottle of water. Jongin tugs on his hand and walks with a spring in his step, hoping that it would help Sehun best the heat. It’s really not that easy.

But when Sehun sees the small shed of the homestead, he feels a rush of energy flow through his veins. “Jongin, we’re almost there.”

“Thank god,” he mutters. They nearly run to the entrance, excited despite their exhaustion. Sehun knocks loudly on the door, rattling the metal serving as the outer shed. He hears the familiar footsteps on the wooden steps, the sound of safety.

“Sehun,” Chanyeol mutters before pulling him into a tight headlock. “We’ve all been so worried.”

He suddenly notices Jongin standing awkwardly behind them. Chanyeol stares back, glaring at him. “What’s he doing here?”

“He’s on our side.” Sehun turns to face Jongin. “Right, Jongin?”

He nods firmly. “I am.”

They’re welcomed into the homestead. Naturally, everyone’s weary of Jongin but he’s unfazed by it all, understanding where they’re all coming from. Sehun had told him about this, so he’s prepared to accept the distrust.

Suho and Luna hug Sehun tightly. “When did you make it out of the City?” Sehun asks.

“Right after the attack. We didn’t know where you were and we knew that you’d find your way back here. I’m happy we were right.” Suho grins at him, holding his hand.

Kris is a little more somber, gently pulling at Sehun’s sleeve. “I need to talk to you.”

“What? No ‘congratulations on surviving’ or ‘I was so worried about you’?” Sehun’s smile disappears when he sees Kris’s blank expression. Wordlessly, he follows Kris to the sleeping area.

“I need to explain something to you and I know that you’re going to be upset and you’re going to be mad, but I need you to listen, okay?” Sehun nods. “Good. That attack was planned by the Scavengers and the DFS. It was supposed to instill fear into the citizens so that they’ll support the DFS. We knew that there was also an extra plan to kidnap Jongin. And we told you to follow him because we needed you to get kidnapped too.”

 _“What?”_ Sehun’s voice is getting higher, more wound up. “All those days when I felt as if I could never get out were planned? You _anticipated_ this?”

“We’re sorry for not telling you anything, Sehun. But we needed you to go closer to Jongin. We needed him to be on our side, but none of us expected him to literally be here.”

Sehun is fuming. “I was _scared,_ Kris. I was genuinely scared that one day, they’d start beating us up instead of just locking us in like animals.” He steps back from the older male. “I can’t believe you. I can’t believe all of you.”

He runs out of the sleeping area and stomps up the stairs going above ground. He bursts out of the door, going through all those days of not knowing whether it was day or night, of hoping that one day they would wake up and it would all be over. When he’s finally calm, that’s when he notices Jongin just a little farther away, facing the sunset. He looks calm, calm and... sad.

Sehun understands why.

“Somehow I wish I didn’t join you,” Jongin starts. “I know that staying there would probably mean death based on what they were saying, but at least I don’t feel suspicious eyes looking at me, questioning everything that I do. I’ve just arrived and I already want to leave. Back to Seoul or to somewhere better than this.

“I’m sorry if this is your home or these are your people, but I don’t belong here.”

He starts marching off to the completely opposite direction to Seoul before Sehun grabs his arm and pulls him closer. Their eyes just naturally meet each other.

“This is hard to go through, I know. I’ve been there and I know the feeling of not belonging. Kris once said that it could be better if they left me to freeze in winter before. But stay and you’ll see why this place is a thousand times better than any City. You can be who you want to be, Jongin. Nobody expects you to be perfect or to be some sort of model. The only thing you have to be is _you._ ”

Jongin lightens up, smirking a little. “So you’re saying I can be anything I want? Do anything I want to do?”

Sehun grins. “Of course, just go ahead.”

He doesn’t expect Jongin to tilt his head and kiss him. The hand on his arm slides up to cup the back of Sehun’s neck, and Jongin steps forward until their bodies are melting with one another. It’s electrifying; Sehun hasn’t felt this way in forever.

He remembers Zitao.

Zitao and his toned body and soft kisses and the little sounds he makes in the back of his throat and those days and nights when he was the only thing on Sehun’s mind and every single moment Sehun spent loving him.

Is he ready to let go of all of that? Jongin’s here, _right here,_ warm and steady and _alive._ Doesn’t Sehun want that?

He does. He does want that, so he lets go of little things about Zitao, the ones that Jongin could replace in his mind. His thoughts form one big jigsaw puzzle, and piece by piece, he takes out Zitao and puts in Jongin until his mind is fully occupied by Jongin, Jongin, _Jongin._

And with Jongin’s smile after they break apart, Sehun lets go of the very last _Zitao_ in his mind. It’s time to move on.

 

 

 

“We’ve contacted the group of people near the river. We’re going to go up there to prepare for the next attack,” Leeteuk announces. Everyone springs into action, gathering weapons and possessions and other things. Sehun focuses on their ropes and knives while Jongin stands there, waiting for someone to tell him what to do.

“Go get some water from the pump,” Sehun tells him, pointing at the buckets in the corner of the room. Chanyeol steps forward to hand one to him.

“I’ll help you out,” he offers. Jongin grins, thanking him, and they walk up and out of the homestead together.

“They’re getting along,” Seulgi comments. Sehun tries not to smile but he can’t help it; he’s happy that Jongin’s starting to find his place here.

“We leave tomorrow,” Kris says. “Be ready by then.”

 

 

 

Right before they leave, there’s a knock on the door. Leeteuk brings his knife when he goes up the stairs and opens the door. There are no sounds of trouble, all deep voices and murmured words. When Leeteuk goes down, he has a whole group of men with him.

“These are all people who escaped from different Crypts. The Resistance led them here, and after they get cleaned up and fed, they’ll be coming with us.”

Sehun scans through their faces passively, not really registering anyone. Jongin squeezes his hand, a little uncomfortable in the suddenly crowded room.

And Sehun squeezes back tightly when he finally recognizes someone. His palms sweat, his world starts spinning, his thoughts are falling one after the other; he’s a mess.

There he is. Warm and steady and _alive._

“Zitao,” Sehun whispers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It takes Sehun a little while before he breaks out of his daze. Jongin’s palm on his shoulder reminds him that there’s still something steady in his life: him. But Sehun’s mind is still running endlessly, thinking of Zitao and his sanity and Jongin and everything it possibly could.

There he is, eating and drinking silently. The other men with him are much older, so Leeteuk focuses on them. Suho’s busy bringing out food and taking care of them, and that’s when Sehun notices him talking to Zitao. They seem comfortable and Zitao smiles at him, the old smile that he used to give Sehun. Suho pats his head and laughs when Zitao jerks away.

“Is something wrong?” Jongin asks. He must have asked it a lot of times already because he sounds annoyed and kind of tired. Sehun shakes his head.

“Let’s go up for a bit,” Sehun suggests. He grabs Jongin’s hand and pulls him up. He knows that Zitao’s looking at him. He doesn’t know if he wants him to see. He doesn’t know _what_ he wants him to see. He’s moved on? He’s happier now? He doesn’t need Zitao anymore?

Are any of those even true?

When they feel the noontime sun on their skin, they instantly regret going up. They hide in the shadowed area behind the shed, giggling at their own stupidity.

Jongin pulls him in for a kiss, arms sliding around Sehun’s waist and pulling him flush against Jongin’s firm body. Again, Sehun doesn’t know why he’s hesitating at all. Jongin kisses like he’s giving all he can give, like he’s willing to give Sehun his everything.

He kisses like Sehun _is_ his everything. And Sehun is not going to let go of that.

 

 

 

Sehun adjusts the strap of his backpack and nods at Kris when he’s ready. Everyone in the original group, the ones who have been in the homestead for a while and the escapees from the Crypts are all packed up and ready to go. They say goodbye to the safety of the homestead.

“The homestead we’re going to is called the SM base. It’s the largest base of people out here and we’ll get more details on the revolution with the people there.” Leeteuk zips up his pack. “Let’s move out.”

It’s not easy to keep going when the noontime sun is beating down on you and there’s no shade at all for miles. Seulgi gets dizzy after half an hour, but they can’t wait for her. She attaches herself to Sehun’s side, and he has to force her to take little sips of water every now and then.

At night, the flatland is cool and quiet. They don’t have any place to seek shelter in, but it’s alright. Suho assumes that they’ll arrive in the homestead within two days and Leeteuk’s trying to contact the people of the Resistance there. They try to hunt but there are barely any animals in the vast land. They’re forced to use up some of their stored food. Kyungsoo is the master of conservation though, and they manage to feed everyone without finishing all of their ingredients.

That doesn’t stop Kris from bringing Chanyeol and Zitao out to try and hunt. If they don’t find animals, they might find somewhere less exposed that they can stay in.

It’s been a little while, but the memory of the rally in Seoul is still vivid in Sehun’s thoughts. He’s afraid that he’ll wake up to the sound of helicopters dropping bombs on them, eliminating them area by area. He’s afraid that he’ll blink and then a group of Regulators will swoop in to shoot them and slit their throats. He knows how ruthless they are; the DFS isn’t known for violence but that won’t stop them from using it.

Jongin snuggles closer to him, peacefully sleeping. They were told to share a tent, but they don’t mind. It gives Sehun more time to stare at him and wonder what good he did in the world to deserve someone like him.

 

 

 

They reach a forest area within the next day. It’s both safer and more dangerous, but it’s much better than walking out in the open. They’re hypersensitive to any sounds, always trying to be wary of any Regulators.

They pass by a small cave, and one of the escapees rushes in. It turns out to be a small Resistance base, one that’s in charge of all the rallies and rebellions. Leeteuk shakes his hand with another man, grinning brightly.

“Nice seeing you here, Yunho,” he greets.

“It’s a promotion of sorts? Just doing my job, I guess.” He shrugs. “Anyway, Seoul’s been taken down. The government has fled and the DFS headquarters is completely trashed. Citizens are all afraid, but they’re cooperating.”

“That’s good.” Leeteuk talks as if it’s just a normal conversation they’d be having over lunch. Jongin stiffens in front of Sehun, and he can only manage to place his hand on the tanned male’s shoulder. Jongin nods gravely, understanding the situation of his family.

Sehun sees the map of their country pinned to the cave wall. “Did anything happen in Incheon?”

The leaders look at each other and shake their head. Yunho naturally changes the topic. “We’ve sent our demolitions expert, Xiumin, and the rest of the team to the next mission. By the time you arrive there, they’ll be ready for anything.”

Leeteuk seems to be the only one understanding anything. “Alright. We should keep moving.”

Before they all clear out, Sehun walks closer to the map. The red pin is on Incheon, and he understands why they didn’t answer him. Yunho pats his shoulder, pulling him out of his stupor.

“Just go. It’s our mission and we have to do it.” The weight on his shoulder feels like pity, so much pity. Yunho _pities_ him. He runs towards the group, trying to hide the confusion in his eyes.

When he turns to his side, he meets with Zitao’s eyes. Sehun doesn’t want to look; he’s afraid, not to see pity, but to see nothing at all.

 

 

 

Leeteuk always talks about the SM base. People have been meeting there for years now, and it slowly evolved into a little city of people. It’s a bit of a mess, but people understand how to be civil. They all dream of it: a place where they won’t be isolated anymore; a place where they’ll be free to be with more people who understand their struggles.

All of their dreams are crushed when they see the empty land where the homestead should have been. There are bodies everywhere; some of them shot, others ran over by a big machine like they were grass. It’s sickening, and Luna does throw up all the contents of her stomach.

Kris turns away, afraid that he’ll cave in to the desire to faint. “There’s an intelligence base nearby, like the one that we saw Yunho in. Maybe we can stay there; it’s safer than being near this area.”

“But it’ll take too much time. We need to join the Resistance now,” Suho argues. They continue bickering until a strong gust of wind passes by what used to be the SM base and the smell of the dead makes most of them throw up. Leeteuk shakes his head, separating the two.

“The intelligence base is safer, I agree. But I need to go to Incheon immediately.” He points at two of the five escapees. “Sungmin, Kangin, I need both of you to come with me.” They nod immediately.

“We part ways here. Go to the intelligence base and stay there until they tell you to leave for the Incheon base. It’s just nearby so it’ll take you a day at most to get there.” He nods at Kris and Suho before he walks away from the group.

The two leaders take a deep breath. “We should go. The base is about ten miles away.”

The trek would have been easier if it wasn’t scorching hot. Even after a little walking, they’re all tired. It’s almost night time though, so they decide to find a good spot to set up camp. Zitao’s already starting on the fire when they all hear voices in the distance.

_“--exhausting here! Why did we have to be the ones assigned on ground work?”_

_“Helicopter work is too easy. All you do is drop bombs on people.”_

_“That’s true, but it’s not like we get much action down here.”_

Kris stiffens. “Hide,” he hisses to everyone. Zitao drops the flint and steps back slowly. The Regulators’ voices are getting louder and louder, and everyone knows that they’re about to be found. Zitao picks up a rifle and hands another one to Kris. Even with everyone bringing out a pistol or a knife, they still run away.

“Hey! They’re there!” the Regulator yells, bringing out his gun and shooting at Seulgi. The girl is a fast runner though, and it doesn’t even come close to her. The other one shifts his gaze to Sehun and shoots. He can hear the bullet whizzing past his ear, and he can almost feel his heart thumping when it hits the tree right beside him.

They all start running faster, scattering like animals. Sehun briefly sees Zitao shooting at a Regulator, crippling his arm. Suho stabs the same man’s back, running and pulling Zitao into a farther area. The three girls are being targeted by the other one, and a new Regulator is having a shootout with Kris. The two other escapees, Minho and Kibum, are both trying to wrestle another man down to the ground, pulling his gun away from him.

  
Sehun can’t see Jongin anywhere. He’s starting to panic, and he stops running. Abruptly, he’s pulled down below a large rock hanging like a cliff. Jongin’s there, covering his mouth and trying to control his own breathing. The sounds of struggle sound far away; he must have run too quickly without noticing that nobody’s around him anymore.

“We should be safe here,” Jongin whispers.

“I hope so.”

The sun goes down and they’re still stuck under the cave of sorts. Jongin has an arm around Sehun’s shoulders, and it takes a lot of courage for him to pull him in for a short kiss. Sehun smiles, shifting closer to Jongin’s warm body.

After a while, they see someone’s lantern in the middle of the forest. When it comes closer, they see that it’s Zitao. He looks tired, and there’s a gash on his face. “Come on. We’ve set up camp already.”

“What happened to the Regulators?” Sehun asks. It’s the first time they’ve tried to make conversation.

“Dead. All of them.” He doesn’t even look back. “Let’s go.”

While they’re walking, Sehun can feel the unspoken tension between Zitao and Jongin. They both walk quietly, strides matching each other. He sees the rigidness of Jongin’s spine, hears the heavy footfalls of Zitao’s boots.

In camp, everyone looks so much wearier than usual. Suho’s face is deadly pale, Luna’s old habit of biting her nails is back, and Yoona’s already passed out with her empty bowl in her hands. Kibum drags her into a tent, trying to get her to lie down properly.

Sehun tries to reject the bowl that Kyungsoo hands him, but the older male is having none of it. “Eat up. We’ve all had a long day.”

 

 

 

Right before they see the intelligence base, Yoona faints.

It’s a relatively cool day, and Suho looks at her oddly. Only when he touches her forehead does he feel the fever in her skin. Upon closer inspection, he sees dried blood on the side of her shirt. Gingerly, he lifts the cloth and shudders at the sight of her infected wound.

Sleepily, she looks up at him. “I don’t think I can make it,” she whispers. Luna and Seulgi start tearing up.

Luna takes her hand and smiles bitterly. “You said we’d make it through all of this together.”

“You’ll be fine.” Yoona still has the strength to smile at her before she closes her eyes for the very last time. Luna cries loudly as she holds her hand tightly. Seulgi is right there beside her, holding Luna’s other hand and trying not to cry too.

They spend a little while trying to bury her, but they only manage to leave her in a safe place where she won’t be disturbed. Suho hugs Luna, and her tears return.

They’re all slowed down significantly. It takes them a much longer time before they reach the safe place. Kris and Suho talk to the ones with all the information while the young kids lead the others to sleeping areas. Before they even get to talk about the sudden loss in their group, the sudden lack of noise before everyone falls asleep, everyone passes out on the mats.

Sehun wakes up with Jongin’s hand on his waist. He slowly stands up, walking slowly towards the washroom. He’s surprised to see Zitao there, skin damp with only his pants on.

“Go ahead. I was just finished,” he says quietly. His eyes look red, and Sehun instantly knows that he cried. Their arms brush by each other when he passes Sehun, and the younger male knows that he didn’t imagine the shiver that ran through both of them. He’s not imagining anything between them.

 

 

 

Kris and Suho have been locked up in a room with all of the Resistance’s plans. Everyone else is restless, waiting for something to happen. Sehun always ends up being the watch out, staying on the roof of the building that they’re hiding in. He’s almost always alone, but sometimes Chanyeol goes up with him so they both stand quietly without a noise between them. It’s different, especially with someone like Chanyeol, but Sehun’s glad that he respects the peace.

This night, it’s Zitao who goes up to the rooftop. Sehun feels his warmth, even if they’re on either side of the building. He hears the footsteps behind him, and Zitao leans on the railing that Sehun’s facing.

“Were you close with Yoona?” Zitao suddenly asks. Sehun didn’t expect him to talk at all, but here he is. He looks so similar to the Zitao that Sehun once loved before except now he’s skinnier and he looks harsher.

“Not really. But I do miss her a lot. It’s the first time someone’s died since I’ve been part of the group. It’s hard.” Sehun sighs.

“It is. I remember when the leader of our community died, and everyone was mourning. We had no idea where to go or what to do without him.” Zitao looks straight into Sehun’s eyes. “But we moved on.”

Sehun suddenly feels his impulsiveness rise up. He holds onto Zitao’s forearm. “Zitao, I don’t understand. What happened? What happened to you? What happened to us?”

“I died, right Sehun? That’s why you have him.” He shakes Sehun’s hand off before he can even say anything else. “But it’s fine.”

“Why is it fine? I want you to tell me that you still _feel_ something!” Sehun’s voice is awfully loud in the quiet forest.

“I felt nothing. I felt nothing for you, Sehun. I don’t feel anything now because I never felt anything then.” The words sink into Sehun’s mind after Zitao leaves him, cold and alone on the rooftop.

Sehun prided himself on never crying when he woke up in the Wilds. He never shed a tear.

But now he’s hugging his knees, crying again and again over Zitao: the man that he thought could have been his forever. Now he’s just like everybody else, weak and vulnerable and so desperate for something, _anything_ that could compare to the happiness that he felt when he was with Zitao, happiness that was never real because now he knows that he was the only one feeling it.

He’s starting to feel number and number as he stays in the cool night air, but he doesn’t want to move. He wants to stay there, alone and immune from any more pain he could get from Zitao or any other.

The door opens and it’s Jongin. Sehun smiles softly, happy to finally see him. Maybe that’s all he really needed to hear: _“I felt nothing for you.”_

Now he sees Jongin, clear as day, in front of him. Now he sees how Jongin stares at him as if he actually loves him, as if he really cares about him. Jongin is the person who’s going to be there for him, and Sehun has no problems with seeing Jongin beside him every morning or kissing him everyday. Jongin is his person.

And he’s never going to forget about Zitao. He’s never going to let go of Zitao fully, and he’s never going to forget about how much he loved him. He’s never going to forget about his first love. But that doesn’t mean he’ll never move on.

“You still love him, don’t you?” Jongin suddenly asks. Sehun pulls away from his hug, staring straight into his eyes.

“Jongin--”

He only smiles. “It’s fine.” Jongin pulls him back into his arms. “It’s okay.”

Sehun doesn’t feel okay at all. He feels the distance between them, the steps Jongin’s taking away from him. He clutches onto Jongin’s shirt, hoping, _praying_ , that he won’t let him go.

 

 

 

Lu Han, the one in charge of communications, drops the radio and faces everyone. “We’ve got Busan and Bucheon under control.” Everyone cheers, happy to see that they’re actually starting to reclaim some of the land that’s been lost to the “zombies,” as Kibum called them.

“Incheon’s the last one left, and they’re already starting the mission inside,” Lu Han announces. “We’ll need to gather all the forces that we can get for the mission outside.”

“We’ll go. All of us can go,” Kris says.

Sehun shakes his head. “No. I refuse to break down my own City. I’m not going to go.”

Suho rolls his eyes. “What’s the mission anyway?”

“It’s standard with the other missions. The mission inside will mess up their systems and then we’ll break down the walls from the outside. With their system not working, it’ll be easier for us to take the Regulators down and trash all their government buildings.” Lu Han turns on his radio. “So do you have a list of whoever’s joining?”

Everyone raises their hand, except for Sehun. Jongin pokes his side. “Come on. It’s not like you have many good memories of that City.”

Sehun wants to retort, to remind Jongin of Zitao’s lips on his, of the warm days that he spent in Zitao’s arms, of the little adventures they had in the City, of the little memories he has of the house in the empty neighborhood. And then he sees Zitao avoiding his eyes, and all those memories are suddenly gone, like they were just blown away by the wind.

He tries to find other memories, other people, and he remembers Baekhyun. He remembers the sixteen steps to Baekhyun’s house. He remembers laughing with him in the convenience store and other memories of growing up with him. Baekhyun is a good memory, even if he’s never going to be the same person that Sehun used to call his best friend.

Sehun raises his hand, resolve growing stronger the more he thinks of it. He’s ready to bury everything in his past, everything in the City that’s holding him back from what he truly wants to be: _happy._

 

 

 

Sehun is completely still as the bear walks around him. He knew it was a bad idea to walk around the camp, even if there’s still a lot of sunlight and it’s just nearby. Now he’s just hoping and praying that it loses interest and walks away.

Sehun blinks. It roars in front of him, angry and ready to charge. Sehun prays and asks for forgiveness for every horrible thing he’s done, for the chaos he’s caused in other people’s lives, for--

He hears a rifle being shot. The bear growls again and it steps back, farther and farther away until it runs. Sehun collapses against the tree, shivering with the aftershocks of his life flashing before his eyes.

“Be careful,” a warm voice whispers in his ear. He knows it’s Zitao who holds his hand and helps him up, slinging the rifle behind his back again. “I just wasted ammo trying to save you.”

“Thanks.” Sehun keeps his gaze firmly to the ground. A part of it is because he’s ashamed; another part is because it’s Zitao who’s scrutinizing him with his eyes.

They walk back to the base in silence, trying not to brush against each other. They always do, and Sehun pretends that he doesn’t want to lean closer and have Zitao’s warmth sticking to his body.

“It would be nice to see Incheon again,” Zitao comments. Sehun stops walking, hands clenched into fists.

“Is there anything wrong?” Zitao asks.

Sehun shoves him back. “Yes there is. Are you trying to play with me? Tease me until I break down? What do you want from me? What kind of game are you playing?”

He doesn’t wait for an answer. He storms into the building and refuses to look back at Zitao.

 

 

 

The Incheon camp is large, filled to the brim with people. They’re quiet so the Regulators always seem to miss out on them. Sehun walks along the outer wall, wondering what’s going on inside the City. It’s been a while since they got there, but he’s still surprised that he’s here.

It’s been almost a year since he left. He’s changed a lot compared to the Oh Sehun that used to live inside those walls, both physically and mentally. He used to be a lot less brave and a lot quieter than what he is now.

Leeteuk isn’t to be found anywhere in the camp. He never arrived. Suho is busy talking to the demolitions experts, Lay and Xiumin. Kris is busy restocking guns and focusing on their weapons. Everyone else is either resting or training for a special mission. Sehun feels useless, just watching the world move around him.

The night before the attack is a restless night. Everyone’s trying to make sure that they have everything they need for the surge tomorrow, but they all want to rest too. Sehun just wants to walk, to feed his temptation to run. He remembers his bike and the route he takes along the river.

_The route he first met Zitao in._

He shakes it out of his mind. The Zitao he knew then is not the Zitao he knows now, and Sehun that fell in love with the man so easily is not the Sehun that he is now.

He wanders to the edge of the camp. Zitao’s there, climbing over the fence that they’ve set up. “Where are you going?” asks Sehun.

“Anywhere.” He jumps safely on the other side. “Come with me.”

Sehun pats his pocket to confirm that there’s a knife there, just in case. He climbs over the fence quickly, brushing off the dust on his already dirty jeans. “Let’s go.”

They start walking aimlessly, following trails that lead to nowhere. Zitao clears his throat.

“Do you remember Baekhyun?” Zitao asks. Sehun can only laugh.

“How could I ever forget him?”

Zitao laughs too. “I never told you this, but I thought he was annoying. He talked too much. He liked to touch my butt.”

Sehun has to hide his face to hold back the laughter from completely exploding. “That sounds exactly like Baekhyun.”

He sighs. “I have a confession too.”

“What is it?”

“I...” Sehun bites his bottom lip. “I never liked your cooking.”

 The glare Zitao sends him is terrifying. “How dare you say that?” Sehun’s laugh is enough to make his mock-anger melt away. “But seriously, why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“You were so eager to cook! I didn’t want to ruin your happiness,” Sehun says softly. He doesn’t notice that Zitao’s stopped until a hand pulls him back a little.

It’s the community that Zitao used to live in. The houses have been shaken up, presumably by the Regulators or a group of Scavengers, and it’s completely deserted. Sehun can feel Zitao’s heartbreak.

They slowly walk to the back of the street of houses, happy to see that Zitao’s small shed is mostly untouched. There’s a big cross on the door, and Zitao gingerly opens the door. The inside was kept safe from any of the vandals; Zitao breathes a sigh of relief.

They don’t say anything. Zitao’s too busy trying to go back to his memories of living in the shed while Sehun’s too busy trying not to remember the night he spent here. He doesn’t want to remember the night where he gave all of himself to Zitao. He doesn’t want any of that anymore.

Sehun steps back and tries to run, but Zitao grabs his wrist. “Sehun, wait.”

He doesn’t have to say anything before Zitao lets him go. Sehun doesn’t look back when he runs to the camp again. They don’t have to say anything at all.

 

 

 

The first explosion is a surprise for everyone. It booms through the entire camp, past the City’s walls and into the houses of each and every citizen. It’s the beginning of the revolution.

The wall cracks at the top, and people use their hooks and ropes to climb at the top and break it down. People from below are hitting it with everything they’ve got, not caring if there’s a chance that that the wall might fall on them. Sehun’s part of the people on the wall, using a sledgehammer to break down as much as he can.

The Regulators come along, shooting at the people on top. Sehun goes down inside the City with Kris and Minho close behind. Before a Regulator can even aim at him, Sehun runs away, clearly remembering the roads of his City. He wants to see someone, anyone who he used to know. He needs to bury his past before he joins his new people to fight for their future.

He winds down familiar roads, roads he’s grown up with. Sehun goes to his house, but there’s a “CONDEMNED” sign on the door. He feels the guilt hitting him hard and fast; of course they were thrown into the Crypts or blacklisted from society because of Sehun. What did he expect?

Sehun knows he looks like a mess, so he feels no guilt when he knocks on the door across their house loudly. He doesn’t know what he expects to see, but he just wants to know if Baekhyun’s still okay.

The door opens and it’s him: Sehun’s best friend. But Baekhyun stares at him in fear, cowering behind the door. “Wh-what do you want?”

“Baekhyun? It’s me, Sehun.” There is no recognition flashing in Baekhyun’s eyes. “Your best friend? Baekhyun, talk to me.”

A woman’s voice calls out from inside. _“Baekhyun, who is it?”_ It must be his wife. Sehun notes the ring on Baekhyun’s fingers. Of course he continued with the plan to get married. What did he expect?

What he doesn’t expect is electricity running through his body, paralyzing him for a few moments. Sehun collapses on the floor, dazed and ready to lose consciousness. He hears the door slam and then everything blacks out.

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

Zitao will never forget about Sehun. He’s never going to forget about the months he spent in that prison cell, waiting and hoping that he’ll find Sehun again. And being in Incheon again, seeing all these places that once was his home in a way, he realizes that he’s doing everything wrong.

He needs to tell Sehun the truth. He needs to tell Sehun that he still loves him.

Yes, he was just making excuses before. He knows that Sehun still loves him too. He knows that if Sehun’s heart is still with him, Jongin wouldn’t even matter. He knows that they were always meant to find each other somehow.

He doesn’t have to tell Sehun now, at least not in the middle of a rebellion. But he has to tell Sehun one day because there’s just something horribly wrong with watching someone you love hurt because of lies that you told him and yourself.

 

 

 

The Regulators have brought out all their forces, and the Invalids know that they have to retreat. Zitao’s looking for Sehun but he doesn’t know where he is. Chanyeol pulls him out past the break in the wall and back into the forest. The Regulators don’t seem to want to chase them down, too busy trying to protect their civilians.

Everyone regroups in the camp. There are lots of injured people, lots of people who are grumbling in disappointment after their attack failed. The rest of the day is spent tending to the injured and guarding the camp, making sure that the Regulators don’t go out searching for payback.

At nighttime, Zitao is finally brave enough to speak up. “Where’s Sehun?” he asks. Suho shrugs and Kris shakes his head. No one seems to know.

Jongin bursts into the large tent that was given to their group. “Sehun’s missing! He must have been taken by the Regulators!”

At the sound of that word, Kyungsoo stands up. “What do you mean? How are you sure about that?”

“No one’s seen him. He’s the only one missing that isn’t dead.” Jongin starts pacing. Zitao stands up, hands shaking.

“I’ve been looking for him ever since the retreat. I’m pretty sure he is missing.”

Kris stands up as well. “I’m going to tell the others. We can send out a search party or something.”

“No, I’ll look for him!” both Zitao and Jongin shout.

Jongin turns towards the other male, shoving him backwards. “What right do you have to care about him like that? You’re the one who left him.”

Zitao scoffs. “Excuse me? What do you really know about Sehun? You barely know him; I’m the one who made him find himself.” He pushes Jongin backwards in retaliation. “I came back and I hurt him because I thought that you’d do a better job of making him happy. But I don’t think he can ever be truly happy if he’s not with the one who he truly wants.”

They both storm off, looking for Sehun in opposite directions. Zitao heads towards his house, hoping that he’d find Sehun there, waiting for him. That would be an ultimate dream: coming home to see that Sehun’s always been waiting for him.

He’s greeted by an empty house. And the emptiness inside him grows.

 

 

 

Every night, they look for him. It’s almost like a sick competition: who finds Sehun first? Who gets his heart? It’s ridiculous.

Zitao always goes to his house as the very last stop. He always wants to make sure that Sehun isn’t just hiding there, wanting to run away from everyone around him. They always go back to the tent, losing a little more hope each day. That’s always been Zitao’s problem: he’s always the one who gives up first.

One night, Jongin takes a route that’s closer to the wall, willing to risk being seen. He’s not expecting to see a body on the ground. Jongin runs towards it, turning the body over and almost screaming in happiness when he sees Sehun’s sleeping face staring up at him.

He tries to pick him up, but the guard sees him with the floodlights and starts shooting. Jongin pulls Sehun behind a tree and calls out for help. He screams and screams until Zitao runs up beside him, shocked when he sees Sehun in Jongin’s arms.

“Carry him. I can cover you,” Jongin orders. Zitao lifts Sehun’s dead weight over his shoulder and runs while Jongin acts as a shield.

Unfortunately, their shield is shot in the chest too many times. Jongin collapses on the ground, bleeding out too much blood. He looks towards the direction of Sehun and Zitao.

“It’s okay,” he whispers weakly. “It was never really me.” Jongin coughs up blood and closes his eyes for the very last time.

 

 

 

Zitao stays by Sehun’s side all night. He knows it’s hopeless to wait, and Sehun probably won’t wake up any time soon, but he wants to be the first person Sehun looks at. He wants to be the first one whose voice he hears and the first one who hears his voice. He’s gotten a lot of firsts from Sehun, and he isn’t stopping now.

He’s lucky when he wakes up and Sehun starts opening his eyes too. Zitao grins, calling for Kyungsoo and Suho. They all wait by his side. “Sehun,” Zitao says softly.

Sehun looks around and his eyes land on Zitao the last. Zitao makes a move to lean forward and kiss him, but Sehun’s words stop him on his tracks.

“Who are you?”

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

Sehun opens his eyes. He’s feeling very drowsy, but he knows that he’s been asleep for a long time now. His body tells him so.

He’s surrounded by a bunch of people. They look expectant, joyful. He’s confused. Why are they all here?

His gaze finally lands on the tan male sitting very close to him. He looks overjoyed, ready to give Sehun a hug.

“Who are you?” asks Sehun. He’s being a bit rude, but he would like to be honest. “Who are all of you?”

They all chuckle, except for the tan male beside him. “Come on, Sehun. Stop kidding,” a tall man with a deep voice says.

“I am not kidding. Who are you? How do you know me?” Sehun feels the atmosphere change, and he doesn’t want to be with any of them. “Let me out of here! I don’t know any of you!”

He jumps out of bed, but his legs fail him and he falls on the floor. They all rush to help him up but Sehun thrashes around, pushing everyone away from him. “Go away! Don’t touch me!” He waves his hands around wildly, until he feels the back of his hand come into contact with someone’s cheek.

“Zitao!” the small man with really big eyes goes to the tan male’s side. He must be the Zitao that the man with big eyes is talking about.

Sehun hears a faint _“put him to sleep”_ before a cloth is placed over his nose and mouth and he blacks out again.

 

 

 

Sehun is introduced to everyone in the large tent. He memorizes names easily, and they all seem to know him well. He doesn’t like the pity that is present in all of their eyes, but it doesn’t seem to be directed towards him. It’s like they all look at Zitao with pity but not Sehun.

Zitao spends nearly all his time with Sehun. He feeds Sehun and talks to him and keeps him busy, but it’s as if he doesn’t want to be near him. Sehun doesn’t care. He feels nothing.

Zitao talks about riding bikes along the river and Sehun remembers a part of his childhood. “My parents gave me a bike when I was kid. They taught me how to ride it along the river and I fell a lot. I cried. My father would hit me when we got home because he was annoyed by my sobs.”

Zitao holds his hand, squeezing lightly. “Are you okay?”

“I feel nothing.” Sehun shrugs. “It’s just a memory now. I don’t even know where my parents are.”

Zitao shifts until they’re facing each other. He holds both of Sehun’s hands. “You really don’t remember me? You don’t remember anything?”

“I don’t know, Zitao. I really don’t know.” The blankness in Sehun’s voice is genuine.

“Nothing at all...?” Zitao looks down shyly, as if contemplating something, and then he leans forward to kiss Sehun on the lips. Sehun jerks away, surprised by the sudden action.

“That was surprising,” he says. Zitao drops his hands, standing up.

“I have somewhere to go.” Sehun pretends not to notice how his voice is cracking.

 

 

 

Sehun wakes up in the middle of the night, but he chooses to keep his eyes closed. He hears Kris’s voice, and he’s surprised to feel fingers on the side of his neck.

“Look at that. It’s a four-pronged scar, and I know that we put the mark below his right ear,” Kris explains.

“So what does that mean?” Chanyeol asks.

“It means they did the procedure on him, the _real_ one. But I know that the scar only has three prongs and it’s not supposed to make you forget things, just how they feel like.”

Suho gasps. “I know now. Jongin told him something about him getting an upgraded version of the cure. _That_ must be it: what’s running through Sehun’s veins right now. It’s upgraded because you completely forget how to feel unless it’s extremely intense. He must have forgotten about us because everything that happened to him since Zitao was solely caused by his feelings!”

“That’s genius,” Kris remarks. “It’s genius but it’s also horrible.”

“It’s horrible.” It sounds like Zitao. It sounds like Zitao’s crying. “It’s just horrible.”

“Hey come here,” Suho ushers. Sehun has noticed how Zitao is instantly comforted when Suho is around him. “You’re going to be fine. Both of you are going to be fine.”

“He doesn’t remember me anymore. I knew that I made a mistake by letting him go, but now I see just how bad of a mistake it was. Suho, he doesn’t know _how_ to love me. How will we ever be fine?”

“You’ll find a way,” whispers Kris. “Now we should all go to sleep. They’ll be working on our second plan starting tomorrow, if it ever happens.”

Sehun opens his eyes when he feels a bundle of warmth settle down beside him. It’s Zitao. “What are you doing?” he asks.

“Do you mind if I sleep here?” Zitao places an arm around Sehun’s waist, pulling him closer. He looks really tired, so Sehun nods his consent and allows Zitao to pull him even closer. Normally, he’d push someone away if he was this close, but he doesn’t want to ruin Zitao’s sleep.

The others are staring at them, and Sehun is starting to feel self-conscious. Is he doing something wrong? But they seem to be the usual eyes of pity, the ones that are almost always directed to Zitao and not him. He allows himself to fall asleep in Zitao’s arms.

 

 

 

Sehun is confused when people stop him from leaving the camp and going to the City. “I have to go home! My parents must be waiting for me. And my best friend, Baekhyun!”

Sehun knows they’re all looking at him like he’s crazy, but he has to go home. Being taken care of has been nice, but he doesn’t belong here.

He’s surprised when arms wrap around him from behind and pull him away from the gates. “Come on, Sehun. You can’t go back to the City,” Zitao murmurs.

“Why not? I live there!” Sehun pulls away from him. Zitao grabs his hands to stop him from thrashing around again.

“Look, the life you know is not your life anymore. You don’t belong there anymore. You belong here with us, but you don’t seem to remember any of that. That doesn’t matter. You aren’t allowed to go back there anymore, okay?”

Sehun keeps his gaze on the ground. “Sehun, look at me.”

He looks up straight into Zitao’s eyes, but it’s Zitao who looks away. He shakes Zitao’s hands off. “I’m leaving.”

Sehun wanders to the edge of the camp and he climbs over the fence. He blindly walks into the forest. He knows he’ll find the City eventually, and when he does, he’ll finally be home.

It takes him an hour of wandering around before he realizes that he’s lost. Sehun can’t trace his way back, and it’s almost as if he’s been going in circles all this time. He sits down on the ground, the gravity of the situation dawning on him.

He’s lost in the Wilds, alone and hungry and afraid.

This is one of those horror stories in _The Book of Shh,_ one of the many reasons why Cities were created. The Wilds is a dangerous place and Cities are the only safe places to stay in.

Sehun runs his fingers through his hair and he accidentally brushes by a weird mark below his right ear. Curious, he touches it, recognizing a three-pronged mark.

And that’s when he feels it. Zitao’s skin against his, Zitao’s lips kissing him, Zitao whispering words in his ear, Zitao taking him out to the Wilds, Zitao dying right before his eyes; waking up in the Wilds, surviving with Kris and Suho and all the others, starving and freezing and fainting nearly everyday; Jongin and his distrust, Jongin and his smile, Jongin holding him like he’s never held someone as precious as Sehun is to him; seeing Zitao again, falling in love with Zitao over and over again.

He feels it all again.

He _feels_ everything.

Sehun starts running. To where? He doesn’t know. It doesn’t matter; he just has to keep moving. That’s what he’s learned in the Wilds: he has to keep moving no matter what. No matter what pain he’s going through, no matter how tired he is, no matter how much the world is trying to bring him down, he has to keep moving.

He ends up in a street full of wrecked houses, a very familiar sight. Sehun runs to the very back, looking for a small cabin. There’s a light inside it, and Sehun doesn’t know if he should be scared or relieved. He rushes inside, looking for someone inside.

Zitao’s there. Zitao’s right there, lonely and crying and tipsy with hard liquor. “S-sehun? What are you doing here? You’ve been lost for hours.”

“I know, Zitao. I’ve been lost for so long.” His voice drops to a whisper.

Slowly, he walks towards the boy on the chair. Zitao looks up at him, confused. Sehun frames his face with his hands and leans down to kiss him. Zitao leans up instantly, lips and tongue and teeth melting into one another at once. Sehun can feel the familiar warmth bubbling up inside of him; he doesn’t know how he survived without this for so long.

Sehun gasps for air. “I remember, Zitao. I remember everything.”

The smile on Zitao’s face is unforgettable. “That’s good. That’s amazing.”

He stands up and lets Sehun take the seat. He pulls out some food from the box serving as his storage. Zitao sets down the food and watches as Sehun eagerly eats it all up.

“So,” Zitao starts, “tell me all about your adventure in the Wilds.”

Sehun grins. “Trust me, it’s more of a rollercoaster than an actual story.”

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted on 08/03/2014 in [junfhongs @ lj](http://junfhongs.livejournal.com/20697.html)
> 
> follow me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/amenochieien)!!!


End file.
